I have not been able to blog as I have been having so much going on and for those of you all who know me, know that I do not like that....it makes me crazy. I am the person that stops and loves the things that Heavenly Father has given us. I do not like to be rushed. I love to see the sun rise, the sun set, hear the birds in the morning, watch my children play at the park, and walk through this life at my pace. Sometimes that is hard because people, other people, dictate that for you if you all them and that is exactly what I have been allowing to happen and guess what???? I am there...crazy, rushed, not patient, no time for anything, anyone, myself, my children, or my Father in Heaven, but yet I am so busy. What is that??? How can you be busy about nothing but a bunch of things that is on your schedule and you fill empty. Well I have promised myself to put some dictated things into my schedule. Time with my Father in Heaven, more and more time with my children, more time for myself, and my sanctuary that I call home.
I want to not only bath my children, but enjoy them and the sweet smell of just clean babies. I want to put them to bed, have family prayers, read scriptures and then talk them to a peacefully, spirit filled sleep. I want them to sleep with the angels and wake up with the spirit. I want for them to not have nightmares anymore. I want them to be able to fall asleep peacefully because their little minds are not running a mile a minute.
I want to spend time with my Father in Heaven. I want to read my scriptures. Talk to him and then listen for a response. I want to have my days with my constant companion, the Spirit in my house. I want to be able to bring to others what I have in my life because of my Father in Heaven. I want just for him to live through me and for people who do not know this loving, supportive and caring person to become to know him. Just like the song, Here I am.....Lord here I am. Finish the work you have started in my, because I am on my way to you, create in me......Heal me....Jesus died for us, so we did not have to suffer, but why I am suffering so much? Why do I feel so guilty for things that others have done in my children's lives and my life, and continue to do? yet I kick myself for them not having a father, not having what they deserve. I kick myself for the choices I have made that have made my children fatherless.
My son told me today that he tells other children that he has a father...it made me cry. I am hurting so much for him and my other children. I wish I could find that God fearing man for my children. Someone who will be there and realize how important it is for a child to have a father. A man that will step up to the plate and teach my boys how to be a man of God.
So with the title as it is - take me as I am...Take me as Susan...the 32-year-old who has been married twice to two men who shirked their responsibility. To the woman who was almost killed when she was 4-1/2 months pregnant. Take me as the woman who survived because of Heavenly Father's love. Take me as the person who not quick to trust, but through Heavenly Father can learn to trust. Take me as the woman who knows what it is to hurt, cry, feel lonely, but most of all TAKE ME FOR WHO I AM...NO MORE AND NO LESS. TAKE ME FOR SUSAN. I know that through my Heavenly Father's love, Austin and I are here on earth to see my daughter and son, his sister and brother every day and the blessings that we have received from that. I am so grateful and I know that the man that Heavenly Father has in store for us..will realize how lucky he is and how bless he is.
Always Susan :0)~
