Do YOU remember?????

A post, 10 years old, was titled Do I Remember? Boy Do I.

This post is for YOU!  You who I will NEVER get into a discussion about things much less therapy because you will either make it about YOU and/or skirt around the issues.

I remember one time my therapist, after the attempted-murder, asked you if you wanted to join in a session and YOU said, "Oh no, y'all would have a hay day with me."  So, I at least have some knowledge that YOU are aware of YOU!

Recently, I have been having some problems with HIS son.  Calling YOU to help with the destruction he did that day.  Hanging up the phone, feeling relieved that I at least had YOU!  But then you called me back!  YOU stung me.  YOU took what you could and just trampled and shit all over it and then said, "Here you go, now go on and live your life with THAT!"

That is something YOU have done ALL my life.  It has always ended up being about YOU and how unfair this was to YOU and how unappreciative I was, my sister was.  How this and how that.

So with it having to be all about you...here I go.

DO YOU REMEMBER me being apart of the conservation? act? to be born?  Nah, neither do I.

DO YOU REMEMBER how many times you threw me away? kicked out of your house in my nightgown and at night?  To be so scared that I walked 2 streets over the MawMaw's?  That when you found me there, you brought me home, whipping me while telling me how unfair it was to you that you had to go searching for me.  How you had to go to work the next morning?

DO YOU REMEMBER that fight where you thought that I lied to you about getting out of school early, but really I did not know about it and there was no bus service.  You were at work, across the river, busy and I was respectful of that.  I went home with a friend and then was picked up by his mother, but you found out and thought I planned it all out.  I really did not.  He was in school all day.  I was at her house.

DO YOU REMEMBER coming into my room and beating me on my bead.  On top of me?  Punching me in the face giving me a black eye?  Holding me down with my hair in your hands all the while screaming at him to cut my hair off with the scissors?  Him standing there, scissors in hands, not knowing what to do and eventually popping the balloon with the teddy bear in it instead that he gave me.?

DO YOU REMEMBER how I could not go to school because I had a black eye.  Had to go to work with you.  Working while the other adults in the office wondering why I was not at school and when asked I had to hold in the tears as to not make a scene because I knew it would be worse if I did.

DO YOU REMEMBER how I worked at the office with you and YOU kept my paychecks?  All the while telling me how it was YOUR house?  YOUR things? and so on.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you thought I was communicating with the boys of the neighborhood through the when I would stand at the sink to wash dishes.  I would stand there and think, "She is out of her fucking mind.  Does she not see the fucking brick wall directly in front of me?"  How you threatened to take me outside and bang my head outside on the concrete because you thought I was doing this.  I mean don't you think that my bedroom upstairs would have been a better place?  I mean no brick wall at all?

DO YOU REMEMBER that fight where you told me that if you came home and I was gone then it would be good?  How I packed everything up.  How I called his mother to come and get me.  I was 16 almost 17 years old and scared out of my wits.  Where was I to go?  Thankfully, his mom came and got me.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you told me to go to my school and un-enroll myself?  I remember.  I remember the lump in my throat.  I remember walking out of the office after everything was said and done and feeling so trumped.  The memories.  The friendships.  The years at my school.  I remember people thinking I withdrew because I had to be pregnant, but I was not....it was YOU!

DO YOU REMEMBER how I graduated?  Probably not because at this point you were not speaking to me.  I remember sending you my announcement.  I remember getting it back torn up with my last name scratched out where you wrote in YOUR handwriting SHIPLEY....my biological father's name.  Are things that easy for you?  To scratch out and write in what you want YOUR reality to be?

DO YOU REMEMBER the backs and forths in our relationship?  The control you had over me?  How you exercised it ALL THE TIME!!!

DO YOU REMEMBER when I was going to get married, the first time?  How I called you to be in it.  How you refused at first.  All I wanted was your UNCONDITIONAL support.  I remember you being there, but really not there.

DO YOU REMEMBER when I came back home?  How it was as I was still 15 and not 20?  Do you remember how I did everything you would leave on your list to do and it still was not good enough?

DO YOU REMEMBER when you all threatened to take my child from me because I was in a relationship with a BLACK guy?  How you and him came outside of the house, yelling as I backed out of the driveway, how I was going to this and going to that?

DO YOU REMEMBER when I came to you for help?  How you told me he, my 2nd husband, was this and that?  All I wanted was a safe place to go with the children.

DO YOU REMEMBER the minute you were told that I was on my death bed?  Do you remember?  How you felt to know that I was in the hospital fighting for our lives.  That I was pregnant.  Do YOU REMEMBER how you refused to come to the hospital to see me, maybe, one last time?  I do not remember.  Everyone else remembers what you said to them.  They have not said it to me because they say that no one should hear those things.

DO YOU REMEMBER what he said to you to MAKE you come up there and see me?  I remember you there.  I was blind.  I could not see but I could hear you.  I remember signing over power of attorney to you and the kids because I might not make it out of the surgery.  How it was going to take over 12 hours.

DO YOU REMEMBER how I tried to call you for my kids and you would not return my calls.  How I had to call people to get in touch with you and you finally came up there to the hospital, yelling at me.  I just needed you to talk to me.  To let me know what was going on with them.  DID YOU NOT realize  THEY ARE MY LIFE????  They were not disposable.  No conditions at all?  They were the reason I was there with a tracheostomy, jaw wired shut watching my O2 saturation, counting every kick and flutter I was feeling of the little one inside.  The one that you did not have?

DO YOU REMEMBER how I had to go to Viola's house to be taken care of because you couldn't/wouldn't?  It tore me up when I had to go back without my kids.  Same city but might as well have been continents away.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you told me you blamed him for being born?  Because if he was not born then she would not have been sexually hurt?  How you despised him?  My baby boy?

DO YOU REMEMBER how you told me this was your life?  How you raised your kids?  How this was not fair to you?  How we needed to leave?  How not even a year after having my 2nd son, we moved out.  Scared out of my wits because you and him gave me safety that I needed.  How you took the van back?

DO YOU REMEMBER how the hurricane hit.  You and him went to check the damage out and went by my place.  You came home so upset because my place had a tree through it?  Which meant we would be back there at your house?

DO YOU REMEMBER the fight?  How you made my black son get up for his white sister because she wanted where he was sitting?  Do you remember those things you said?  Do you?

DO YOU REMEMBER how I decided to leave? I could not let my children live through that at all.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you were giving me our things?  Do you remember the names you called me?  White trash?  Fat ass? and so on?

DO YOU REMEMBER how you felt when we left?  I remember how I felt?  Devastated.  Scared once again.

DO YOU REMEMBER how he called me at the women's shelter because the school was calling about whether the children would be returning to school or not?

DO YOU REMEMBER how four years went by and no contact?  Do you remember me reaching out to you?

DO YOU REMEMBER you calling me?  Telling me that you heard I had another child.  How we came back on the train to spent the holidays with you and him.  It felt so good to be home.  How I thought maybe this was a turning point.  DO YOU REMEMBER?

DO YOU REMEMBER how you came out and helped when my 5th child was born?  I remember.  I loved it.  You were here!!

DO YOU REMEMBER that Christmas?  How you and my oldest got into a fight.  How you slapped her?  Me slapped you?  How I was sorry because I am not a violent person.  How you told me, "Remember you hit your mother, you remember that!"

DO YOU REMEMBER how you walked out the back gate saying you wanted no part of that (referring to the children in my house, well 2 of them).  Me asking you if you were sure?  You saying yes and getting in the car and leaving.  I thought that was the last of you I would see until your funeral.

DO YOU REMEMBER me calling you just to let you know that A.S. was in surgery to remove a brain tumor and we weren't sure if it was cancer or not?  I remember you asking what did I need.  I told you nothing, that I needed to let you all know in case it was cancer.

DO YOU REMEMBER how things kind of got a little brighter for us?  I do.  You supported me, as much as you could because of distance, and it felt good.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you thought I had lied to you about needing help paying rent because something didn't come through?  How you thought I cheated you.  I did not cheat you.  I can still produce the legal paperwork to prove that, but really what could would it do, you already have your mind made up.

DO YOU REMEMBER how I called you a couple of weeks ago asking for help.  Explaining what happened.  How you told me to give him away.  Give him to "them."

DO YOU REMEMBER telling me, "I told you about him (2nd husband).  I warned you and you did not listen.  How if something happens that is on YOUR head."

DO YOU REMEMBER handing up on me after you said your piece?  I do.

DO YOU REMEMBER telling me how it would be something if my children graduate from high school either after being homeschooled and/or homeschooled???? GAh, really???

How many times have I been left there, holding the phone, you have hung up on me, processing what nasty things you have said to me and trying to breath??  Coming to my surroundings, realizing a part and/or all of my children are around me.  Trying to get a minute, but snapping because they only see me crying and/or the expression on my face and wnts to know what is wrong with me.

DO YOU REMEMBER what is what this time?  I do, A DOG.  A stray dog that ACS was going to pick up but I h ad yet to call because I was fresh out of the hospital and could not call before.  I tried to explain this to you, but you would not hear it.  You kept saying how disrespectful I was of you.  How I call and ask for help and then take in a stray when you are working 15 hours and that I do not respect that.  NO I DO RESPECT THAT!

You think I am:
1.  A liar.
2.  A cheat.
3.  Disrespectful.
4.  Ungrateful.....and probably much more.

But I am NOT.  I am Susan who has loved you unconditionally after everything.  One who would never abandoned you if you found yourself in a situation (doesn't matter if you would ever be there or not).  One who does not want you only for YOUR money.  I ran from that.  I could have married/bought into that lifestyle.  MONEY MEANS NOTHING!!!

So the balls in YOUR court, but my boundaries.  Yes, you are my mother.  Yes, I love you, but I WILL NOT allow this anymore.  I have dealt with my skeletons/demons....deal with yours!  I am NOT responsible for what C, R, S, or ANYONE has done in my life.  THEY made the decisions/choices they did and I did not.  I am not responsible for their actions, but only mine.  I am not allowing ANYONE to hold me ACCOUNTABLE for their actions.

If I knew you would sit down with me, in a civilized setting, this would be said to you.

So in the context of the title of this post... PLEASE REMEMBER.