Do YOU remember?????

A post, 10 years old, was titled Do I Remember? Boy Do I.

This post is for YOU!  You who I will NEVER get into a discussion about things much less therapy because you will either make it about YOU and/or skirt around the issues.

I remember one time my therapist, after the attempted-murder, asked you if you wanted to join in a session and YOU said, "Oh no, y'all would have a hay day with me."  So, I at least have some knowledge that YOU are aware of YOU!

Recently, I have been having some problems with HIS son.  Calling YOU to help with the destruction he did that day.  Hanging up the phone, feeling relieved that I at least had YOU!  But then you called me back!  YOU stung me.  YOU took what you could and just trampled and shit all over it and then said, "Here you go, now go on and live your life with THAT!"

That is something YOU have done ALL my life.  It has always ended up being about YOU and how unfair this was to YOU and how unappreciative I was, my sister was.  How this and how that.

So with it having to be all about you...here I go.

DO YOU REMEMBER me being apart of the conservation? act? to be born?  Nah, neither do I.

DO YOU REMEMBER how many times you threw me away? kicked out of your house in my nightgown and at night?  To be so scared that I walked 2 streets over the MawMaw's?  That when you found me there, you brought me home, whipping me while telling me how unfair it was to you that you had to go searching for me.  How you had to go to work the next morning?

DO YOU REMEMBER that fight where you thought that I lied to you about getting out of school early, but really I did not know about it and there was no bus service.  You were at work, across the river, busy and I was respectful of that.  I went home with a friend and then was picked up by his mother, but you found out and thought I planned it all out.  I really did not.  He was in school all day.  I was at her house.

DO YOU REMEMBER coming into my room and beating me on my bead.  On top of me?  Punching me in the face giving me a black eye?  Holding me down with my hair in your hands all the while screaming at him to cut my hair off with the scissors?  Him standing there, scissors in hands, not knowing what to do and eventually popping the balloon with the teddy bear in it instead that he gave me.?

DO YOU REMEMBER how I could not go to school because I had a black eye.  Had to go to work with you.  Working while the other adults in the office wondering why I was not at school and when asked I had to hold in the tears as to not make a scene because I knew it would be worse if I did.

DO YOU REMEMBER how I worked at the office with you and YOU kept my paychecks?  All the while telling me how it was YOUR house?  YOUR things? and so on.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you thought I was communicating with the boys of the neighborhood through the when I would stand at the sink to wash dishes.  I would stand there and think, "She is out of her fucking mind.  Does she not see the fucking brick wall directly in front of me?"  How you threatened to take me outside and bang my head outside on the concrete because you thought I was doing this.  I mean don't you think that my bedroom upstairs would have been a better place?  I mean no brick wall at all?

DO YOU REMEMBER that fight where you told me that if you came home and I was gone then it would be good?  How I packed everything up.  How I called his mother to come and get me.  I was 16 almost 17 years old and scared out of my wits.  Where was I to go?  Thankfully, his mom came and got me.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you told me to go to my school and un-enroll myself?  I remember.  I remember the lump in my throat.  I remember walking out of the office after everything was said and done and feeling so trumped.  The memories.  The friendships.  The years at my school.  I remember people thinking I withdrew because I had to be pregnant, but I was not....it was YOU!

DO YOU REMEMBER how I graduated?  Probably not because at this point you were not speaking to me.  I remember sending you my announcement.  I remember getting it back torn up with my last name scratched out where you wrote in YOUR handwriting SHIPLEY....my biological father's name.  Are things that easy for you?  To scratch out and write in what you want YOUR reality to be?

DO YOU REMEMBER the backs and forths in our relationship?  The control you had over me?  How you exercised it ALL THE TIME!!!

DO YOU REMEMBER when I was going to get married, the first time?  How I called you to be in it.  How you refused at first.  All I wanted was your UNCONDITIONAL support.  I remember you being there, but really not there.

DO YOU REMEMBER when I came back home?  How it was as I was still 15 and not 20?  Do you remember how I did everything you would leave on your list to do and it still was not good enough?

DO YOU REMEMBER when you all threatened to take my child from me because I was in a relationship with a BLACK guy?  How you and him came outside of the house, yelling as I backed out of the driveway, how I was going to this and going to that?

DO YOU REMEMBER when I came to you for help?  How you told me he, my 2nd husband, was this and that?  All I wanted was a safe place to go with the children.

DO YOU REMEMBER the minute you were told that I was on my death bed?  Do you remember?  How you felt to know that I was in the hospital fighting for our lives.  That I was pregnant.  Do YOU REMEMBER how you refused to come to the hospital to see me, maybe, one last time?  I do not remember.  Everyone else remembers what you said to them.  They have not said it to me because they say that no one should hear those things.

DO YOU REMEMBER what he said to you to MAKE you come up there and see me?  I remember you there.  I was blind.  I could not see but I could hear you.  I remember signing over power of attorney to you and the kids because I might not make it out of the surgery.  How it was going to take over 12 hours.

DO YOU REMEMBER how I tried to call you for my kids and you would not return my calls.  How I had to call people to get in touch with you and you finally came up there to the hospital, yelling at me.  I just needed you to talk to me.  To let me know what was going on with them.  DID YOU NOT realize  THEY ARE MY LIFE????  They were not disposable.  No conditions at all?  They were the reason I was there with a tracheostomy, jaw wired shut watching my O2 saturation, counting every kick and flutter I was feeling of the little one inside.  The one that you did not have?

DO YOU REMEMBER how I had to go to Viola's house to be taken care of because you couldn't/wouldn't?  It tore me up when I had to go back without my kids.  Same city but might as well have been continents away.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you told me you blamed him for being born?  Because if he was not born then she would not have been sexually hurt?  How you despised him?  My baby boy?

DO YOU REMEMBER how you told me this was your life?  How you raised your kids?  How this was not fair to you?  How we needed to leave?  How not even a year after having my 2nd son, we moved out.  Scared out of my wits because you and him gave me safety that I needed.  How you took the van back?

DO YOU REMEMBER how the hurricane hit.  You and him went to check the damage out and went by my place.  You came home so upset because my place had a tree through it?  Which meant we would be back there at your house?

DO YOU REMEMBER the fight?  How you made my black son get up for his white sister because she wanted where he was sitting?  Do you remember those things you said?  Do you?

DO YOU REMEMBER how I decided to leave? I could not let my children live through that at all.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you were giving me our things?  Do you remember the names you called me?  White trash?  Fat ass? and so on?

DO YOU REMEMBER how you felt when we left?  I remember how I felt?  Devastated.  Scared once again.

DO YOU REMEMBER how he called me at the women's shelter because the school was calling about whether the children would be returning to school or not?

DO YOU REMEMBER how four years went by and no contact?  Do you remember me reaching out to you?

DO YOU REMEMBER you calling me?  Telling me that you heard I had another child.  How we came back on the train to spent the holidays with you and him.  It felt so good to be home.  How I thought maybe this was a turning point.  DO YOU REMEMBER?

DO YOU REMEMBER how you came out and helped when my 5th child was born?  I remember.  I loved it.  You were here!!

DO YOU REMEMBER that Christmas?  How you and my oldest got into a fight.  How you slapped her?  Me slapped you?  How I was sorry because I am not a violent person.  How you told me, "Remember you hit your mother, you remember that!"

DO YOU REMEMBER how you walked out the back gate saying you wanted no part of that (referring to the children in my house, well 2 of them).  Me asking you if you were sure?  You saying yes and getting in the car and leaving.  I thought that was the last of you I would see until your funeral.

DO YOU REMEMBER me calling you just to let you know that A.S. was in surgery to remove a brain tumor and we weren't sure if it was cancer or not?  I remember you asking what did I need.  I told you nothing, that I needed to let you all know in case it was cancer.

DO YOU REMEMBER how things kind of got a little brighter for us?  I do.  You supported me, as much as you could because of distance, and it felt good.

DO YOU REMEMBER how you thought I had lied to you about needing help paying rent because something didn't come through?  How you thought I cheated you.  I did not cheat you.  I can still produce the legal paperwork to prove that, but really what could would it do, you already have your mind made up.

DO YOU REMEMBER how I called you a couple of weeks ago asking for help.  Explaining what happened.  How you told me to give him away.  Give him to "them."

DO YOU REMEMBER telling me, "I told you about him (2nd husband).  I warned you and you did not listen.  How if something happens that is on YOUR head."

DO YOU REMEMBER handing up on me after you said your piece?  I do.

DO YOU REMEMBER telling me how it would be something if my children graduate from high school either after being homeschooled and/or homeschooled???? GAh, really???

How many times have I been left there, holding the phone, you have hung up on me, processing what nasty things you have said to me and trying to breath??  Coming to my surroundings, realizing a part and/or all of my children are around me.  Trying to get a minute, but snapping because they only see me crying and/or the expression on my face and wnts to know what is wrong with me.

DO YOU REMEMBER what is what this time?  I do, A DOG.  A stray dog that ACS was going to pick up but I h ad yet to call because I was fresh out of the hospital and could not call before.  I tried to explain this to you, but you would not hear it.  You kept saying how disrespectful I was of you.  How I call and ask for help and then take in a stray when you are working 15 hours and that I do not respect that.  NO I DO RESPECT THAT!

You think I am:
1.  A liar.
2.  A cheat.
3.  Disrespectful.
4.  Ungrateful.....and probably much more.

But I am NOT.  I am Susan who has loved you unconditionally after everything.  One who would never abandoned you if you found yourself in a situation (doesn't matter if you would ever be there or not).  One who does not want you only for YOUR money.  I ran from that.  I could have married/bought into that lifestyle.  MONEY MEANS NOTHING!!!

So the balls in YOUR court, but my boundaries.  Yes, you are my mother.  Yes, I love you, but I WILL NOT allow this anymore.  I have dealt with my skeletons/demons....deal with yours!  I am NOT responsible for what C, R, S, or ANYONE has done in my life.  THEY made the decisions/choices they did and I did not.  I am not responsible for their actions, but only mine.  I am not allowing ANYONE to hold me ACCOUNTABLE for their actions.

If I knew you would sit down with me, in a civilized setting, this would be said to you.

So in the context of the title of this post... PLEASE REMEMBER.

"You are doing the right thing from what I saw"

This is what I heard from the officer who served "him" the restraining order as I crossed the Mississippi River on the Gretna ferry.  Not that I needed that confirmation, but wanted to know why he was saying that?

See I had to do ALL the work for my restraining order.  Yep, I had to walk it through the courts.  I will never, EVER forget that.  I remember!  I remember meeting the attorney at the women's shelter and telling her the information as she entered it into the template into the computer.  I remember the ugly, gross, and validity of the threats that he made to me just two weeks and a month prior.

I remember the first time he said it, "I could kill you and there is nothing you could do to stop me."  Nothing like getting sucker punched by the air leaving your chest?  I remember.  I remember coming home from the hospital where I went because I was bleeding.  I remember the staff at the ER trying to make sure the baby was all right. I remember how mad he was at me that I did not demand that he be there.  I remember telling me that it was out of my hands.  I remember the charge nurse coming in and telling me how he acted.  She was concerned for us.  She was concerned for our safety.  I remember his look.  I remember how I felt.

I remember telling him I was sorry, but in reality I could not understand what I was sorry for.  This seemed to help.  We were discharged and told to take it easy as I could lose the baby.  We were both told.  I mean after all he wanted this.  He ignored me telling him that I would get pregnant.  See for so many years after Zachary he told me he wanted to wait to have another one.  Finally, I accepted that and was accepted into a dual program at a local college into the BSN/Psychology program.  I was accepting life with just two children and BAM! He was finally ready.  So why would he not head the advice of the doctor.

I remember arriving home to our little cottage.  I remember putting the kids to bed.  I remember us going to bed thinking just a little bit longer and I will be out of the danger zone.  Then he started again.  I pleaded with him.  I told him again I had no idea that they would not have let him up.  I told him that I do not remember the phone ringing while we were doing the ultrasound.  Really, I did not.  Then that is when he wanted to have sex.  I pleaded with him, begged him to not because I was afraid of losing the baby.  That is when he put his hands around my neck, looked at me, and told me he would take away what he gave him and he could kill me right then and there and there would be nothing I could do about it.  And.......you know what? He was right and I felt this come from him through his arms, through his arms, through his fingers to my neck and straight to my heart.

I remember looking at him and just gasping for air.  I remember his hands slowly coming lose and me just losing it.  I remember him not finishing.  I remember laying there, back to him, while he went to sleep.  I remember scared as hell.  I remember laying there crying so quietly as not to wake him.  Not to wake the children.  I remember him getting up to go to work.  I remember him saying he loved me as he walked out the door.

I remember going through my day robotically and taking care of the children.  I remember!  I remember him coming home.  God, I am such not a good actress.  He saw me.  He saw what he did to me.  He was so apologetic.  Kissing me.  Fixing dinner.  Bathing the children.  Loving me.  Telling me he was so sorry over and over.  Telling me he is just so scared.  Telling me that when I get pregnant I forget about him and concentrate solely on the pregnancy and the baby.  I remember breaking down. Saying, "You do not tell people that like you say hello."  Telling him that I just wanted to make sure that the baby was healthy and I did not mean to ignore him if I did.  I remember.  I remember being so confused.  I remember feeling like I was in this bubble and screaming for help and NO ONE hearing me.  I remember feeling helpless because I did not have my family.  I shamed them by marrying a black man and having children with him.  I remember feeling I have to make the best of this situation because he is MY HUSBAND.

I remember it was Mardi Gras season.  I remember that two weeks had passed since he had told me.  I remember it still cut as deep as it did the first time I heard it.  I remembered looking at him, our life, my life, and wondering is this what I have ended up like?  There has to be better?  Things have to get better?  Then it happened again.  We got into it because my sister wanted to see me, the kids, and bring some things over that she had bought for me.  I remember him acting like the biggest ass.  I remember the things he said.  I remember how I could not believe he was acting this way.  I mean NONE of MY FAMILY EVER came around.  I remember his accusations and how SICK they were.  I mean that was my sister!!  I remember him pushing me against the bookshelf, again, his hand around my neck and his other hand by our baby.  I remember him telling me, "I am going to kill you!"  I remember doing what I needed to do in order for him to stop. I remember,

I remember him leaving the next morning for work.  I remember calling the woman's shelter around the corner and speaking to someone.  I remember Alaine telling me that I had what I needed for a restraining order.  That I could come to the shelter with the kids.  That I could be safe.  Or that I could get a restraining order and he would be forced to leave.  I remember telling her I would think it over.  I remember her telling me how long I had before the time expired to get a restraining order.  I remember feeling like I should not have to be making this decision.  I remember feeling so alone, so lost, and so overwhelmed.

You could say things deteriorated quickly and I made the decision.  I had everything planned.  He goes to work and off to the shelter I went.  Filling out the application with all the juicy details.  Remembering.  Telling myself that if I wanted this then I had to work for it.  I remember heading off to the courthouse across the river.  I remember walking it through. I remember the clerks, some assholes and some not.  I remember the judges, some out to lunch, some that could not and those who did sign it.  I remember walking out of there feeling like, "Okay, you did it!"  I remember that I better clean up before I went home because he would be able to tell I was crying.  He KNEW everything about me!  He would ask questions and I am a terrible liar.

I remember following what I was told.  Go home and wait for him to come home.  When he gets home call the police and tell them to serve the restraining order.  I remember something told me, "No, go to the gas station."  So I proceed to go to the gas station.  Waited for the police to arrive.  They arrive..okay..you can do this.  I tell them what I was told and they tell me that they do not serve restraining orders that the Service Department does that.  What?  You are fucking kidding me?  You mean that if I would have listened to what they told me at the shelter I would have made my situation worse?

I remember them telling me.."Why do you not just leave?"  I told them, "It is not that easy."  I remember telling me he is going to kill me.  See to them the solution was easy, but their solution is not easy for those in domestic violence situations where it has turned lethal.  I remember being so upset that I hit a guy walking in the parking lot with my side mirror.  I remember checking to make sure he was all right.  I even offered him $100.00, but he refused.  See he had been blowing my phone up.  He arrived home and I was not there.

I finally answered and told him I was coming from the McDonald's on Vets and would be home as soon as I got there.  I remember my stomach starting to hurt.  I remember trying to keep it together for my children in the back and the one inside of me.  I remember having to make sure I came from the direction that I would be if I was REALLY coming home from McDonald's just in case he was out looking for me.  I remember coming around the curve and there he was coming to look for us!  I remember.

I remember having to hide that restraining order.  I remember being so scared.  I remember that I was "Sleeping with the Enemy."  I remember that was a long evening and night!  I remember not remembering much of anything from that night..I was disconnected.  I remember night turning to light.  I remember him leaving and us leaving not long after he called to say he was at work.  I remember going over to the Sheriff's office.  I remember talking to the 2nd in charge.  I remember him, at first, not taking me seriously.  Then the phone rang.  I remember telling him it was him.  I remember missing the call.  I remember the officer telling me to answer his call when he called back.  I remember telling "him", "No, I am not cheating on you.  I am some place with the kids.  Why are you accusing me all the time.  Yes, I love you.  Yes, I remember."

I got off the phone and lost it.  This is when the officer called his in-charge on the Eastbank and told him to go and serve the restraining order and make sure "he" understood that he was to stay away. I remember him telling me to go home and take care of us.  I remember that I was too emotional to take that skinny bridge known as the Huey P. Long, so I would take the ferry. I remember my phone rang again and remembering almost not answering it.  I remember answering it.  I remember the officer telling me he was served and if I needed anything to call 9-1-1 or to call him.  Then he says, "Mrs. Conner?" Me, "Yes sir." Him, "You did the right thing from what I saw when I served him."  Me, "I did?"  Him, "Yes, Mrs. Conner...please stay safe."

I remember arriving home. I remember showing the office the restraining order. I remember them saying that they might not be able to change the locks.  I remember them saying that they might have to give my husband a key if he requested one.  I remember her saying she needed to call the head office.  I remember her getting off of the phone and her telling me that they could change the locks! They did not have to give him a key!  I remember feeling safe.  I remember following the guy to the cottage and watching the locks get changed!!  I remember.

I remember getting rid of everything that reminded me of him on me.  I remember scrubbing my body.  I remember music back in my house.  I remember the TV out.  I remember just being who I wanted to be with my children and not being accused of ignoring "him."  I remember.  I remember laughing.  I remember crying.  I remember being nervous he would come back.  I remember jumping when the phone range.  I remember losing my breath again.  I remember it all!  I remember answering it.  I remember it being our President of our Church branch.  I remember his calm voice.  I remember him asking if he could come and get my husband's things.  I remember him telling me that my husband just wanted certain things.  I remember listening closely.  I remember thinking..he is really going to just go like that??  No way.  I remember thinking that at least he had contacted our President and he was involved now.  But, I remember still being on edge.

I remember going through the house and getting his things together. I remember not much had to be done because I had already started.  I remember picking up the manilla folders he wanted and wanted to know why he wanted those.  I began to look through them and saw where he had received our income tax refund.  Remember, the one he lied about?  Remember?  Remember anger coming in?  Remember counting the money?  Remember the amount?  How dare him?  Remember you took half the money because that was the right thing to do.  Remember how you felt that rent and bills could be paid?  Remember.

Remember the knock at the door?  Remember being comforted?  Remember handing over "his" things?  Remember closing the door?  Remember that you now had money to go and get diapers and things you needed for the kids?  Remember going to Wal-Mart and passing the President and "him" in the parking lot?  Remember that you got out of there like a bat out of hell?  Remember you felt scared again?  Remember you felt this was too easy?  Remember?

Remember you went and got what you needed and some extras?  You remember you got Strawberry Shortcake and Bob the Builder DVDs?  You remember you popped popcorn and curled up on the bed with the kids?  You remember you were trying to make them feel safe while all the while you were scared?  Remember you were you hypervigilant?  Remember you heard EVERY. SINGLE. NOISE?  Remember you checked EVERY. SINGLE. WINDOW. HUNDREDS OF TIMES?  Remember you put the table in front of the door?  Remember?  Yep, but do not remember falling asleep.

I REMEMBER, BOY DO I REMEMBER

Well, here I am again after such a long hiatus!!   What brings me here, you ask?  Nothing but good ole PTSD and let me tell you it is nothing nice.  You ask how did I come to have this?  I acquired this, if you want to look at it that way, after going through a domestic attempted murder 7 years ago this March.

I never really realized that is what I had, I just thought what I was going through was what my mind and body were suppose to go through.  I remember being terrified and scared.  I remember waking up to my mother-in-law standing at the foot of my bed.  I remember trying to call the nurse, them coming over the intercom saying, "Nurses station, How can I help you?" and me not being able to answer them because I had a trach.  I remember being terrified that my husband would show up and finish what he started.  I remember feeling and having so much anxiety because you see I was 4-1/2 months pregnant with Austin when all of this happened and while my life was important in saving, so was his.

I remember having to re-learn how to walk and breath on my own.  I remember going up the stairs in physical therapy, but could not come down for them for the life of me. I remember everyone coming to my hospital room like I was some Virgin Mary sighting because somehow the whole hospital knew about me!  I remember not knowing how to respond to them.  I mean come on, nothing special..this was my life, right?

I remember ICU.  I remember those who were there, those who were not.  I remember the police outside my door.  I remember, boy do I remember.  I remember when they came to me and told me they caught him.  I remember it was right before they brought me to surgery.  I remember more than I care to remember, but I know that I have to remember because this cannot keep happening.

I remember leaving the hospital.  I remember going to a safe house.  I remember being scared out of my mind.  I remember mustering up everything in me to go through the door to get to the bathroom. I remember seeing myself for the first time since before.  I remember the marks.  I remember the stitches.  I remember.  I remember counting the marks on my breasts, my shoulders, my face, my arms, and my legs.  I remember the look in his eyes.  I remembered it all!

I remember forcing myself to eat, to take my medicine, to go the doctor, the police, the detectives coming over and asking the same questions over and over.  Was the crime scene pictures not enough? was my current physical state not enough?  I remember the DA's office.  I remember the ADA.  I remember their attitudes and how I felt after meeting with them.  I remember being all by myself. I remember being stuck. FOR. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.  I remember the jail.  I remember the prisoners in orange wondering what he was doing. What was going through his mind.  Did he care?  Did he feel remorse for what he did?  Did he see this as a fight for him? Did he not think of the baby, our baby, now my baby, when he tried to kill me/us?

I remember going to court for the first time. I remember my feelings as the line of prisoners on the chain walked in.  I remember holding on and getting ready to run.  I remember how I felt when he was not there.  I remember sitting back not so ready while everything happened.

I remembered 04/01/2004. Was this going to be my April's Fool or his?  I remembered how this was his last chance at trying to get out.  I remembered NO ONE in his family calling.  I remembered how they helped him get away knowing what he did to us.   They had to see him just covered in my blood! The car! What went through their minds as they cleaned him up and put him on that bus to Galveston.  I remembered Jay calling me and telling me obviously his lawyer and family had no clue what he did and to what extent.  I remember Jay's voice and how he sounded while he said, "Susan, I sat there is disbelief.  How could one expect to have him release to their custody after everything?"  I remembered his mom saying she had a job lined up at Home Depot for him. I remembered how I felt that they wanted him released until trial.  I remember wanting to run, flee, and get away.   I remembered Jay telling me that he told them why he should not be released.  He told them,  "Does Home Depot not have hammers?" and even after all of this, NOTHING!  They blamed me for what their son/brother did. I was the bitch.  I was the white bitch who took a brotha down!  I was the enemy!  I remember.

I remembered calling the jail several times a day for weeks after that.  The person, on shift at the time, knew my voice.  Jaw wired shut, I still found the strength to give them his CID# and name.  I remember feeling embarrassed about calling and calling the VINE # over and over.  I remember rechecking that I entered my phone number over and over to make sure VINE had my number correct, so if he escaped or anything, the system would call me.  I remember.  I remember Detective Zanotelli coming to the house to check on me and the kids.  I remember not wanting him to leave, EVER!  I remember, dammit!

I remembered seeing her, his attorney, Susan, for the first time.  I remembered thinking how could she represent someone who did this, especially another women? I remembered thinking, "What a stupid bitch!"  Then I saw him.  For the first time since March of 2004.  I remembered he would not look me in the face. He would not look at me in the eyes.  I wanted to go off on him.  Wale on him, like he did to us that day in March because he could not fight back, see he was in handcuffs.  I wanted him to feel what I felt.  I wanted all of what was in me to be transferred to him because I did not want this anymore.  I wanted to get on with my life and act like this never happened, but I COULD NOT.

I was so raw.  The scab never forming over the wound.  I had to protect us like the scab.  I was so mad!  Listening to the 9-1-1 call, his voice, saying, "I think I killed my wife.  There is blood everywhere."  He did this while at the Winn Dixie at the head of our street.  Watching as the ambulance, police, and fire department passed him to go to his pregnant wife.  And then he left, ran from New Orleans.  How? Why? Did you do that?  Looking at him for some emotion, something, but NOTHING!  He just held his head down.

When asked if he was abusive before, I looked at Jay for direction.  See I was told I could not talk about anything prior to March 4, 2004.  They did not ever think she would bring it up herself, she as in his attorney. I said yes.  I remember more questions, more questions, same ones, and I remembered making her work for the money that HIS family stole from us while I was in the hospital.  I figured I would use it all up! I remember looking at Jay to save me....thinking and obviously my face said it, "I am going to kill this bitch! Stupid pink hair dumb-ass."  Then the judge tells her, "I think she has answered your question. Ummm (looking up), how did she put it? "He was just being Randy."  Yes, the pompous ass was on my side!

I remember walking past him after all of this, him silent, had not said a word, and head still down.  I remembered a wave of pity and feeling sorry coming over me for him.  I was leaving and he was staying. Going back across the street to be told how to do everything.  When to sleep. When to shower. When to eat.  When to piss.  When to shit.  But, I was leaving to go and get MY baby, not his, not our, but MY baby and to hold on him and love on him until I was ready to let go.  My voice was finally heard by him without him interrupting. Without him leaving.  Without him hitting.  Without him criticizing.  To be vindicated that way never felt so good.  To feel like some control was back was so empowering. Yep, ole Susan was on the mend and coming back, but this time better and this time having to learn new things about myself, my children, and my life.

I remember. Yeah, how do I remember.  How BRIGHT the sun was that afternoon.  Was it not going to rain just a couple hours before?  Was the sky not gloomy?  Was the Earth not just black and white?  It might have been, but right then there it was so bright!  Life looked so good.  I remember!  I remember a little pep in my step!   I remember feeling Jay's arm around me and hugging me...I felt it this time!  I could feel a little!  I was not so numb.  I remember feeling my Savior's arm around me and it felt so good.  I remember feeling so empowered.  I just remembered.

I remembered going to Tricia's different.  Not the same person who I was that morning when I handed off my bundle of joy to go and fight against the person who should have protected us. But, hey that is okay...because that is what that day was for and little did I know.  It was for me to take over and protect us from here on out.  Yeah, I remember.

I remember coming to love the scars.  On my face. On my head.  On my throat.  On my hands.  I remember and WILL NEVER FORGET!  I remember because someone has to.

~Always Susan~

Pushing

I feel like he is pushing me away. For some time now, we have only been talking every two days or so. Sometimes it goes more and it hurts. He says it is deliberate and I would only hope to think that it is a good reason, but it still does not make me feel any better. I am pulling away from him and I can feel it. So if I can feel it, I know that he can feel it also.

This is the last thing that I want to happen. I do not want to pull away from him, but the space he is giving me is just not good. I go through the day not realizing we have not talked until it gets to the time that we usually talk and then I realize that he is not texting or calling. Why? That I have no clue at all.

I feel that I need to prepare myself for what might happen and that is him and I will not be together any more than what we are right now. Why do I feel that I am in the same place I was almost a year ago? I know he will not fight for me and by fight I mean with himself. He will just allow what happens to happen, and I have to be ready for that. He needs to be ready for that because once I close mysefl off I will not be able to open back up to him. He is hurting me whether he means to or not. He is hurting me bad.

I am still alone, and not in a bad way, but I think that it is even worse to have someone and realy not have them. Will he ever get that divorce? Part of me, a bif part of me, feels that he will not and to me that saddens me because I know that I can not be with him as long as he is married.

I am relieved that the children do not know that I am talking to him again. It would just crush them like it did the first time. They were calling him Dad and actually allowing them into their lives and when we were no more...I had to pick up the pieces.

Please do not push me too far away or too hard at once because I might not come back.

<3 Susan

There are certain people, that I know I can trust, that I want to call and tell them, but then I do not. I want to keep him all to myself, but I also want to call Karen or even Trish and scream it from the rooftops!!!

Susan, if and that is a BIG IF, Ron and you get back together....you need to be very careful of who you tell. You have been able to keep, for the most part, everything to yourself up until now and do not start with this. The relationship, if one happens, is going to be more fragile or just as fragile as a newborn baby. It is going to need to be nurtured and loved and needs to grow strong before others are allowed to know because you and him need to get strong again with each other.

Gosh..I want to call him!! I want to pick the phone up and see how he is doing, what he is doing, and talk to him all day. I took work off because I just cannot handle it right now. I need to re-group my life and I need to prepare for this week because I did not this week at all. I need to get my planner going and I need to continue on with life as like I never called him.

I love him and he knows that. He is here and he is going to call me tonight, which is a good sign. I feel like I have him, but not like I want but I cannot rush this because I need to re-water it and re-plenish it just like the potted plants that the boys gave me. I need to be patient and love him and if things will be what I want, and hopefully he wants...it will come with time. But gosh I love him!!!!! I want to hear his voice, his laugh, telling me to bite him, and everything that the smart ass can tell me.

Getting back into the swing of things

Last night, I finally gave in and said, "What the hell. What do I have to lose?" Actually, nothing that is not already lost. What I mean is him. The man that I love. The man that I wanted last year and still want now. Do I think that I will have him again? Really, I do not know. I disappointed him by doing what I did, but I really believe that we both made mistakes that now, a year later, we are able to sit back and 'see'.

While my choices are far more to swallow then his..the situation is still what it is. I was really not surprised that he responded to my text, but then at the same time..I felt like the time between us has not made that much of a difference. He is guarded, but when was he not. It seems like he is headed in a completely different direction than I am, but that is something that I will live with.

Did I expect him to tell me he loved me last night? Yes and no. I feel in a way he did. He called me baby at one point and I melted. He still has my heart. After everything he still has my heart. He says that he is not depressed, but he feels like he needs someone to love to lift him up because he does it so good and that he is correct about. He loved me like no one ever did and probably ever would.

Nothing has changed much with him 10 months later. He is still not working, still thinking about what is next move will be, and pretty much still same ole same.

He told me that if he would have come here then the situation I am in right now would not have been too much different, meaning Autumn and I told him that I wanted this baby, the last baby, to be from him. I wanted to be looking down and seeing a little combination of him and I. Do not get me, I love Autumn and would not change anything about her for the world, but I did want and still do want him.

While we were talking, he said that I must looking for closure. I corrected him and told him I do not want closure when it comes to him, us..I had no plans in telling him that I love him, that I want him, I want us, but I did and I hope he believed me. I know what I did, by contacting him, has probably sent his eyebrows into a permanent lift. I have probably thrown him for a loop, just a little bit.

I felt, or maybe I wanted to feel it, like he was going to say that he loved me also. I wanted him so bad to tell me. I wanted to know that the love we had last year and that I still had for him was forgiving and strong enough to overcome this. I really want for that to be reality, but if it is not..I will continue doing like I am and will still be who I am.

I told him that I had to really apologize to the children because I was trying so hard to give them what they wanted and needed. I felt that by giving them him, it would correct everything that happened because of Randy. That Courtney would feel a father's love and the things that therapy could not fix, that father figure would fix. That Zachary would feel like nothing was wrong with him because his father was not involved, that my lil boy would feel whole and complete again. And most of all, I would feel that everything that I have been through was all worth it because to me...I finally won. I was too selfish and inpatient to see that and wanted what I wanted and ended up making a decision that cost me all that.

I am not the person I was last year. I feel like I have grown up a lot, more, and that the situations we go through, for whatever reason, shape us into we are. While I do not need a man to make me who I am..I want someone who is there and when that happens....I will be prepared because as each day goes on..I become more and more ME.

If him and I do become we again, I will let him love me as he will love me. I will just go with the flow and take it as I go because I need to remember that before I contacted him last night, I was Just Fine.

Ron, I love you so much. I want to feel what I felt last year. I am happy right now and will continue to be happy, but I want to share that with you. I want to share my life, kids and all with you. If not, at least I know that I gave it my all at this time in my life and what was inside of me.

He asked if he could call me tonight, after the children go to bed, 10 o'clock my time because he did not want them to know that we were talking on the phone and ruin the damage control.

I can say that I was relieved when he said that he did not get his computer fixed for a reason. I was relieved and happy to know that he is by himself right now, but it also stung when he said that he loved me. But that is what happens when you do what I did.

Until later...................I love you Ron right here and right now.

How to Make Holiday Luminaries | eHow.com

How to Make Holiday Luminaries eHow.com

This is something that I want to be part of our traditions that we do for 2010.....I think this look so cool!!!!!!!

Mallorie

I was taken pictures of the loot that I had purchased off of Craigslist and had to take these pictures of my lil Mamu, Moose, Magoo, Ms. Poose (s/l goose only with a "P", MMMK (triple M then K), Malamu, Malibu, and so on..... I just love how she is smiling now for the camera more and more.

I love her little curly locks and her sweet innocence. She is my tender heart. Whenever I am, or anyone for that fact, is feeling sad and such..she will come up and kiss you and hug you.

She is worse than my little shadow. I can go no where without her and believe me she lets whoever has her know that she just loves her Momma and wants her, but she will go off away from me when she knows that I am in sight of her.

It is amazing how much joy she has brought to this family and how her little personality fits in with the rest of us.

Sometimes I am sad to think about how much her father is missing by choosing not to be in her life. I cannot imagine what it is like to know that you have a child, a daughter, your only daughter, only child out there and you CHOOSE to not be apart of her life. I really pray that one day he realizes this before it is too late, but until then...I will eat her up as much as I can.

I love you Mallorie...... Mum (as you say it).

$5.00 Craigslist Loot

Okay.....I am so happy and proud of my recent acquisition from Craigslist. I was searching in the Free Section, the Baby section for a highchair for Mamu, Activities section, and finally ending up going to the Arts and Craft's section because sometimes you can find some pretty good deals.Well..I saw this ad for a Art Supplies for $5.00 and of course I had to call and see where they were located because sometimes it is a good deal on Craigslist, but not for you depending on where you are located in reference to where the item(s) is located. So when I called and she gave me the address and I MapQuest it and saw it was not far from me at all.. I asked if it was too late (6:30) and told her I was on my way.

So we get there in under 10 minutes and when I went to the door and she stacked all of these containers up and I said, "Just want to make sure...$5.00 for all?" She said, "Yes." I told her thank you because with my children we go through this stuff so much. She said thank you and the boys (my two and one of hers) brought them to the van.

We came home and started going through everything. It was like Christmas in November. They had stamps, rolling stamps, markers that were stamps, and stamp pads. They had pens and more pens. They had colored pencils. Crayons galore. Markers, regular. Pencils. Glue. Water colors. Notecards. Highlighters (Zachary too a pink one and Courtney a green one, even though she can only use yellow at school).They had 2 cute pends that had a little fuzzy head on it with sunglasses on and it says. "Be cool! Call 9-1-1 only for Emergencies!"So needless to say..I have not found my highchair YET, but I did come across something that was so worth more than $5.00!!!!!

Austin's 2009 AHFSH Soccer Team

This is Austin's soccer team from this past season. We had our last game this past Sautrday, November 7, 2009. I can honestly say that this is the BEST team we have EVER participated in. The parents were so supporting and the boys and girl were such a joy to watch and see them interact. They just got out there and played, which was a fresh of breath air. We will definitely be playing with this league over and over again.

Making momma proud!!

Not sure what the bathroom has for me, but Austin just came out to me, while sitting here at my desk, asking where is "the white long thing that goes in the bathroom while making hand gestures from small to long (to illustrate what he was talking about). I told him that it is right here, but the bathroom needs to be mopped.

I cannot believe it...the master of mass destruction. The one who goes and mixes and does all kind of things that (at least my mind does not or has not) only his mind has come up with.
Let me go find the blue Pine Sol (smells really good) or may just good ole bleach because we have been sick for the past month with various things or another...and mop the bathroom (my mop bucket the background and this was not staged!!!) I have to jump on this while I can!!!!

Mallorie asleep

The other day I just completely passed out (as I have been doing a lot lately, especially with this little girl inside of me). When I went to sleep it was me, my favorite pillow, my body pillow, my other body pillow (Mallorie), and three regular size pillows with one of my favorite quilts, so off to bed I went. I woke up in a panic and had to get Mallorie back on the bed...ahhh back to sleep. Then I felt her getting off the bed, so back on the bed I had to get her.

Well, I woke up and in a panic was not even the word to describe how I was feeling. I woke up to hearing a little girl outside talking (or screaming and incoherent speech that they do at 18 months). I jumped up and looked outside...okay back gate is closed, so she is not outside...the back door does not completely close unless you close it yourself and the other littles do not always, if ever, completely close it, so Mallorie can open it just with a push open. So I was very excited that she had not gotten in the backyard (it was the neighbors 18-month-old granddaughter who was making the conversation).

I looked on the side of my bed..no Mallorie..on the floor in the my room..in the hallway..in the boy's room..in Courtney's room...in the kitchen...in the laundry room..in the living room...in the bathroom...in the closet....in the boy's closet....NOPE NO MALLORIE anywhere. I am freaking out at this point!! The front door is locked, so she could not have gotten out the front door.

I went into the dining room to get to the living room because she had to be in there...she was no where else. well as I walked around the table..there she is...hanging off the chair with her legs dangling. I wish I would have thought to get the camera, but I was worried about her falling off and hitting her head, so I gently moved her from the chair to the pillow on the floor where she continued to sleep.

Let me tell you, if I can survive everything that she has to give me and then her and her little sister, I will be eternally happy!!!! Especially since Mallorie and her little sister will be either 21 or 22 months apart!!!!!

Vacuuming

These past couple of days that is all I have been doing (at least I feel that way). When one mess happens and is cleaned up..another one pops up. Whether it is from crums from the sandwich to cereal to a diaper that was pushed beyond its limits....these are some of the messes that I have been vacuuming up.

I am grateful that I purchased the wet/dry vac because in a house with 4, soon to be 5, littles a regular vacuum just will not do with all the creations that they can render up!!!!

Maybe I should list my occupation as professional vacuum engineer?