There are certain people, that I know I can trust, that I want to call and tell them, but then I do not. I want to keep him all to myself, but I also want to call Karen or even Trish and scream it from the rooftops!!!

Susan, if and that is a BIG IF, Ron and you get back together....you need to be very careful of who you tell. You have been able to keep, for the most part, everything to yourself up until now and do not start with this. The relationship, if one happens, is going to be more fragile or just as fragile as a newborn baby. It is going to need to be nurtured and loved and needs to grow strong before others are allowed to know because you and him need to get strong again with each other.

Gosh..I want to call him!! I want to pick the phone up and see how he is doing, what he is doing, and talk to him all day. I took work off because I just cannot handle it right now. I need to re-group my life and I need to prepare for this week because I did not this week at all. I need to get my planner going and I need to continue on with life as like I never called him.

I love him and he knows that. He is here and he is going to call me tonight, which is a good sign. I feel like I have him, but not like I want but I cannot rush this because I need to re-water it and re-plenish it just like the potted plants that the boys gave me. I need to be patient and love him and if things will be what I want, and hopefully he wants...it will come with time. But gosh I love him!!!!! I want to hear his voice, his laugh, telling me to bite him, and everything that the smart ass can tell me.

Getting back into the swing of things

Last night, I finally gave in and said, "What the hell. What do I have to lose?" Actually, nothing that is not already lost. What I mean is him. The man that I love. The man that I wanted last year and still want now. Do I think that I will have him again? Really, I do not know. I disappointed him by doing what I did, but I really believe that we both made mistakes that now, a year later, we are able to sit back and 'see'.

While my choices are far more to swallow then his..the situation is still what it is. I was really not surprised that he responded to my text, but then at the same time..I felt like the time between us has not made that much of a difference. He is guarded, but when was he not. It seems like he is headed in a completely different direction than I am, but that is something that I will live with.

Did I expect him to tell me he loved me last night? Yes and no. I feel in a way he did. He called me baby at one point and I melted. He still has my heart. After everything he still has my heart. He says that he is not depressed, but he feels like he needs someone to love to lift him up because he does it so good and that he is correct about. He loved me like no one ever did and probably ever would.

Nothing has changed much with him 10 months later. He is still not working, still thinking about what is next move will be, and pretty much still same ole same.

He told me that if he would have come here then the situation I am in right now would not have been too much different, meaning Autumn and I told him that I wanted this baby, the last baby, to be from him. I wanted to be looking down and seeing a little combination of him and I. Do not get me, I love Autumn and would not change anything about her for the world, but I did want and still do want him.

While we were talking, he said that I must looking for closure. I corrected him and told him I do not want closure when it comes to him, us..I had no plans in telling him that I love him, that I want him, I want us, but I did and I hope he believed me. I know what I did, by contacting him, has probably sent his eyebrows into a permanent lift. I have probably thrown him for a loop, just a little bit.

I felt, or maybe I wanted to feel it, like he was going to say that he loved me also. I wanted him so bad to tell me. I wanted to know that the love we had last year and that I still had for him was forgiving and strong enough to overcome this. I really want for that to be reality, but if it is not..I will continue doing like I am and will still be who I am.

I told him that I had to really apologize to the children because I was trying so hard to give them what they wanted and needed. I felt that by giving them him, it would correct everything that happened because of Randy. That Courtney would feel a father's love and the things that therapy could not fix, that father figure would fix. That Zachary would feel like nothing was wrong with him because his father was not involved, that my lil boy would feel whole and complete again. And most of all, I would feel that everything that I have been through was all worth it because to me...I finally won. I was too selfish and inpatient to see that and wanted what I wanted and ended up making a decision that cost me all that.

I am not the person I was last year. I feel like I have grown up a lot, more, and that the situations we go through, for whatever reason, shape us into we are. While I do not need a man to make me who I am..I want someone who is there and when that happens....I will be prepared because as each day goes on..I become more and more ME.

If him and I do become we again, I will let him love me as he will love me. I will just go with the flow and take it as I go because I need to remember that before I contacted him last night, I was Just Fine.

Ron, I love you so much. I want to feel what I felt last year. I am happy right now and will continue to be happy, but I want to share that with you. I want to share my life, kids and all with you. If not, at least I know that I gave it my all at this time in my life and what was inside of me.

He asked if he could call me tonight, after the children go to bed, 10 o'clock my time because he did not want them to know that we were talking on the phone and ruin the damage control.

I can say that I was relieved when he said that he did not get his computer fixed for a reason. I was relieved and happy to know that he is by himself right now, but it also stung when he said that he loved me. But that is what happens when you do what I did.

Until later...................I love you Ron right here and right now.