"You are doing the right thing from what I saw"

This is what I heard from the officer who served "him" the restraining order as I crossed the Mississippi River on the Gretna ferry.  Not that I needed that confirmation, but wanted to know why he was saying that?

See I had to do ALL the work for my restraining order.  Yep, I had to walk it through the courts.  I will never, EVER forget that.  I remember!  I remember meeting the attorney at the women's shelter and telling her the information as she entered it into the template into the computer.  I remember the ugly, gross, and validity of the threats that he made to me just two weeks and a month prior.

I remember the first time he said it, "I could kill you and there is nothing you could do to stop me."  Nothing like getting sucker punched by the air leaving your chest?  I remember.  I remember coming home from the hospital where I went because I was bleeding.  I remember the staff at the ER trying to make sure the baby was all right. I remember how mad he was at me that I did not demand that he be there.  I remember telling me that it was out of my hands.  I remember the charge nurse coming in and telling me how he acted.  She was concerned for us.  She was concerned for our safety.  I remember his look.  I remember how I felt.

I remember telling him I was sorry, but in reality I could not understand what I was sorry for.  This seemed to help.  We were discharged and told to take it easy as I could lose the baby.  We were both told.  I mean after all he wanted this.  He ignored me telling him that I would get pregnant.  See for so many years after Zachary he told me he wanted to wait to have another one.  Finally, I accepted that and was accepted into a dual program at a local college into the BSN/Psychology program.  I was accepting life with just two children and BAM! He was finally ready.  So why would he not head the advice of the doctor.

I remember arriving home to our little cottage.  I remember putting the kids to bed.  I remember us going to bed thinking just a little bit longer and I will be out of the danger zone.  Then he started again.  I pleaded with him.  I told him again I had no idea that they would not have let him up.  I told him that I do not remember the phone ringing while we were doing the ultrasound.  Really, I did not.  Then that is when he wanted to have sex.  I pleaded with him, begged him to not because I was afraid of losing the baby.  That is when he put his hands around my neck, looked at me, and told me he would take away what he gave him and he could kill me right then and there and there would be nothing I could do about it.  And.......you know what? He was right and I felt this come from him through his arms, through his arms, through his fingers to my neck and straight to my heart.

I remember looking at him and just gasping for air.  I remember his hands slowly coming lose and me just losing it.  I remember him not finishing.  I remember laying there, back to him, while he went to sleep.  I remember scared as hell.  I remember laying there crying so quietly as not to wake him.  Not to wake the children.  I remember him getting up to go to work.  I remember him saying he loved me as he walked out the door.

I remember going through my day robotically and taking care of the children.  I remember!  I remember him coming home.  God, I am such not a good actress.  He saw me.  He saw what he did to me.  He was so apologetic.  Kissing me.  Fixing dinner.  Bathing the children.  Loving me.  Telling me he was so sorry over and over.  Telling me he is just so scared.  Telling me that when I get pregnant I forget about him and concentrate solely on the pregnancy and the baby.  I remember breaking down. Saying, "You do not tell people that like you say hello."  Telling him that I just wanted to make sure that the baby was healthy and I did not mean to ignore him if I did.  I remember.  I remember being so confused.  I remember feeling like I was in this bubble and screaming for help and NO ONE hearing me.  I remember feeling helpless because I did not have my family.  I shamed them by marrying a black man and having children with him.  I remember feeling I have to make the best of this situation because he is MY HUSBAND.

I remember it was Mardi Gras season.  I remember that two weeks had passed since he had told me.  I remember it still cut as deep as it did the first time I heard it.  I remembered looking at him, our life, my life, and wondering is this what I have ended up like?  There has to be better?  Things have to get better?  Then it happened again.  We got into it because my sister wanted to see me, the kids, and bring some things over that she had bought for me.  I remember him acting like the biggest ass.  I remember the things he said.  I remember how I could not believe he was acting this way.  I mean NONE of MY FAMILY EVER came around.  I remember his accusations and how SICK they were.  I mean that was my sister!!  I remember him pushing me against the bookshelf, again, his hand around my neck and his other hand by our baby.  I remember him telling me, "I am going to kill you!"  I remember doing what I needed to do in order for him to stop. I remember,

I remember him leaving the next morning for work.  I remember calling the woman's shelter around the corner and speaking to someone.  I remember Alaine telling me that I had what I needed for a restraining order.  That I could come to the shelter with the kids.  That I could be safe.  Or that I could get a restraining order and he would be forced to leave.  I remember telling her I would think it over.  I remember her telling me how long I had before the time expired to get a restraining order.  I remember feeling like I should not have to be making this decision.  I remember feeling so alone, so lost, and so overwhelmed.

You could say things deteriorated quickly and I made the decision.  I had everything planned.  He goes to work and off to the shelter I went.  Filling out the application with all the juicy details.  Remembering.  Telling myself that if I wanted this then I had to work for it.  I remember heading off to the courthouse across the river.  I remember walking it through. I remember the clerks, some assholes and some not.  I remember the judges, some out to lunch, some that could not and those who did sign it.  I remember walking out of there feeling like, "Okay, you did it!"  I remember that I better clean up before I went home because he would be able to tell I was crying.  He KNEW everything about me!  He would ask questions and I am a terrible liar.

I remember following what I was told.  Go home and wait for him to come home.  When he gets home call the police and tell them to serve the restraining order.  I remember something told me, "No, go to the gas station."  So I proceed to go to the gas station.  Waited for the police to arrive.  They arrive..okay..you can do this.  I tell them what I was told and they tell me that they do not serve restraining orders that the Service Department does that.  What?  You are fucking kidding me?  You mean that if I would have listened to what they told me at the shelter I would have made my situation worse?

I remember them telling me.."Why do you not just leave?"  I told them, "It is not that easy."  I remember telling me he is going to kill me.  See to them the solution was easy, but their solution is not easy for those in domestic violence situations where it has turned lethal.  I remember being so upset that I hit a guy walking in the parking lot with my side mirror.  I remember checking to make sure he was all right.  I even offered him $100.00, but he refused.  See he had been blowing my phone up.  He arrived home and I was not there.

I finally answered and told him I was coming from the McDonald's on Vets and would be home as soon as I got there.  I remember my stomach starting to hurt.  I remember trying to keep it together for my children in the back and the one inside of me.  I remember having to make sure I came from the direction that I would be if I was REALLY coming home from McDonald's just in case he was out looking for me.  I remember coming around the curve and there he was coming to look for us!  I remember.

I remember having to hide that restraining order.  I remember being so scared.  I remember that I was "Sleeping with the Enemy."  I remember that was a long evening and night!  I remember not remembering much of anything from that night..I was disconnected.  I remember night turning to light.  I remember him leaving and us leaving not long after he called to say he was at work.  I remember going over to the Sheriff's office.  I remember talking to the 2nd in charge.  I remember him, at first, not taking me seriously.  Then the phone rang.  I remember telling him it was him.  I remember missing the call.  I remember the officer telling me to answer his call when he called back.  I remember telling "him", "No, I am not cheating on you.  I am some place with the kids.  Why are you accusing me all the time.  Yes, I love you.  Yes, I remember."

I got off the phone and lost it.  This is when the officer called his in-charge on the Eastbank and told him to go and serve the restraining order and make sure "he" understood that he was to stay away. I remember him telling me to go home and take care of us.  I remember that I was too emotional to take that skinny bridge known as the Huey P. Long, so I would take the ferry. I remember my phone rang again and remembering almost not answering it.  I remember answering it.  I remember the officer telling me he was served and if I needed anything to call 9-1-1 or to call him.  Then he says, "Mrs. Conner?" Me, "Yes sir." Him, "You did the right thing from what I saw when I served him."  Me, "I did?"  Him, "Yes, Mrs. Conner...please stay safe."

I remember arriving home. I remember showing the office the restraining order. I remember them saying that they might not be able to change the locks.  I remember them saying that they might have to give my husband a key if he requested one.  I remember her saying she needed to call the head office.  I remember her getting off of the phone and her telling me that they could change the locks! They did not have to give him a key!  I remember feeling safe.  I remember following the guy to the cottage and watching the locks get changed!!  I remember.

I remember getting rid of everything that reminded me of him on me.  I remember scrubbing my body.  I remember music back in my house.  I remember the TV out.  I remember just being who I wanted to be with my children and not being accused of ignoring "him."  I remember.  I remember laughing.  I remember crying.  I remember being nervous he would come back.  I remember jumping when the phone range.  I remember losing my breath again.  I remember it all!  I remember answering it.  I remember it being our President of our Church branch.  I remember his calm voice.  I remember him asking if he could come and get my husband's things.  I remember him telling me that my husband just wanted certain things.  I remember listening closely.  I remember thinking..he is really going to just go like that??  No way.  I remember thinking that at least he had contacted our President and he was involved now.  But, I remember still being on edge.

I remember going through the house and getting his things together. I remember not much had to be done because I had already started.  I remember picking up the manilla folders he wanted and wanted to know why he wanted those.  I began to look through them and saw where he had received our income tax refund.  Remember, the one he lied about?  Remember?  Remember anger coming in?  Remember counting the money?  Remember the amount?  How dare him?  Remember you took half the money because that was the right thing to do.  Remember how you felt that rent and bills could be paid?  Remember.

Remember the knock at the door?  Remember being comforted?  Remember handing over "his" things?  Remember closing the door?  Remember that you now had money to go and get diapers and things you needed for the kids?  Remember going to Wal-Mart and passing the President and "him" in the parking lot?  Remember that you got out of there like a bat out of hell?  Remember you felt scared again?  Remember you felt this was too easy?  Remember?

Remember you went and got what you needed and some extras?  You remember you got Strawberry Shortcake and Bob the Builder DVDs?  You remember you popped popcorn and curled up on the bed with the kids?  You remember you were trying to make them feel safe while all the while you were scared?  Remember you were you hypervigilant?  Remember you heard EVERY. SINGLE. NOISE?  Remember you checked EVERY. SINGLE. WINDOW. HUNDREDS OF TIMES?  Remember you put the table in front of the door?  Remember?  Yep, but do not remember falling asleep.

I REMEMBER, BOY DO I REMEMBER

Well, here I am again after such a long hiatus!!   What brings me here, you ask?  Nothing but good ole PTSD and let me tell you it is nothing nice.  You ask how did I come to have this?  I acquired this, if you want to look at it that way, after going through a domestic attempted murder 7 years ago this March.

I never really realized that is what I had, I just thought what I was going through was what my mind and body were suppose to go through.  I remember being terrified and scared.  I remember waking up to my mother-in-law standing at the foot of my bed.  I remember trying to call the nurse, them coming over the intercom saying, "Nurses station, How can I help you?" and me not being able to answer them because I had a trach.  I remember being terrified that my husband would show up and finish what he started.  I remember feeling and having so much anxiety because you see I was 4-1/2 months pregnant with Austin when all of this happened and while my life was important in saving, so was his.

I remember having to re-learn how to walk and breath on my own.  I remember going up the stairs in physical therapy, but could not come down for them for the life of me. I remember everyone coming to my hospital room like I was some Virgin Mary sighting because somehow the whole hospital knew about me!  I remember not knowing how to respond to them.  I mean come on, nothing special..this was my life, right?

I remember ICU.  I remember those who were there, those who were not.  I remember the police outside my door.  I remember, boy do I remember.  I remember when they came to me and told me they caught him.  I remember it was right before they brought me to surgery.  I remember more than I care to remember, but I know that I have to remember because this cannot keep happening.

I remember leaving the hospital.  I remember going to a safe house.  I remember being scared out of my mind.  I remember mustering up everything in me to go through the door to get to the bathroom. I remember seeing myself for the first time since before.  I remember the marks.  I remember the stitches.  I remember.  I remember counting the marks on my breasts, my shoulders, my face, my arms, and my legs.  I remember the look in his eyes.  I remembered it all!

I remember forcing myself to eat, to take my medicine, to go the doctor, the police, the detectives coming over and asking the same questions over and over.  Was the crime scene pictures not enough? was my current physical state not enough?  I remember the DA's office.  I remember the ADA.  I remember their attitudes and how I felt after meeting with them.  I remember being all by myself. I remember being stuck. FOR. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.  I remember the jail.  I remember the prisoners in orange wondering what he was doing. What was going through his mind.  Did he care?  Did he feel remorse for what he did?  Did he see this as a fight for him? Did he not think of the baby, our baby, now my baby, when he tried to kill me/us?

I remember going to court for the first time. I remember my feelings as the line of prisoners on the chain walked in.  I remember holding on and getting ready to run.  I remember how I felt when he was not there.  I remember sitting back not so ready while everything happened.

I remembered 04/01/2004. Was this going to be my April's Fool or his?  I remembered how this was his last chance at trying to get out.  I remembered NO ONE in his family calling.  I remembered how they helped him get away knowing what he did to us.   They had to see him just covered in my blood! The car! What went through their minds as they cleaned him up and put him on that bus to Galveston.  I remembered Jay calling me and telling me obviously his lawyer and family had no clue what he did and to what extent.  I remember Jay's voice and how he sounded while he said, "Susan, I sat there is disbelief.  How could one expect to have him release to their custody after everything?"  I remembered his mom saying she had a job lined up at Home Depot for him. I remembered how I felt that they wanted him released until trial.  I remember wanting to run, flee, and get away.   I remembered Jay telling me that he told them why he should not be released.  He told them,  "Does Home Depot not have hammers?" and even after all of this, NOTHING!  They blamed me for what their son/brother did. I was the bitch.  I was the white bitch who took a brotha down!  I was the enemy!  I remember.

I remembered calling the jail several times a day for weeks after that.  The person, on shift at the time, knew my voice.  Jaw wired shut, I still found the strength to give them his CID# and name.  I remember feeling embarrassed about calling and calling the VINE # over and over.  I remember rechecking that I entered my phone number over and over to make sure VINE had my number correct, so if he escaped or anything, the system would call me.  I remember.  I remember Detective Zanotelli coming to the house to check on me and the kids.  I remember not wanting him to leave, EVER!  I remember, dammit!

I remembered seeing her, his attorney, Susan, for the first time.  I remembered thinking how could she represent someone who did this, especially another women? I remembered thinking, "What a stupid bitch!"  Then I saw him.  For the first time since March of 2004.  I remembered he would not look me in the face. He would not look at me in the eyes.  I wanted to go off on him.  Wale on him, like he did to us that day in March because he could not fight back, see he was in handcuffs.  I wanted him to feel what I felt.  I wanted all of what was in me to be transferred to him because I did not want this anymore.  I wanted to get on with my life and act like this never happened, but I COULD NOT.

I was so raw.  The scab never forming over the wound.  I had to protect us like the scab.  I was so mad!  Listening to the 9-1-1 call, his voice, saying, "I think I killed my wife.  There is blood everywhere."  He did this while at the Winn Dixie at the head of our street.  Watching as the ambulance, police, and fire department passed him to go to his pregnant wife.  And then he left, ran from New Orleans.  How? Why? Did you do that?  Looking at him for some emotion, something, but NOTHING!  He just held his head down.

When asked if he was abusive before, I looked at Jay for direction.  See I was told I could not talk about anything prior to March 4, 2004.  They did not ever think she would bring it up herself, she as in his attorney. I said yes.  I remember more questions, more questions, same ones, and I remembered making her work for the money that HIS family stole from us while I was in the hospital.  I figured I would use it all up! I remember looking at Jay to save me....thinking and obviously my face said it, "I am going to kill this bitch! Stupid pink hair dumb-ass."  Then the judge tells her, "I think she has answered your question. Ummm (looking up), how did she put it? "He was just being Randy."  Yes, the pompous ass was on my side!

I remember walking past him after all of this, him silent, had not said a word, and head still down.  I remembered a wave of pity and feeling sorry coming over me for him.  I was leaving and he was staying. Going back across the street to be told how to do everything.  When to sleep. When to shower. When to eat.  When to piss.  When to shit.  But, I was leaving to go and get MY baby, not his, not our, but MY baby and to hold on him and love on him until I was ready to let go.  My voice was finally heard by him without him interrupting. Without him leaving.  Without him hitting.  Without him criticizing.  To be vindicated that way never felt so good.  To feel like some control was back was so empowering. Yep, ole Susan was on the mend and coming back, but this time better and this time having to learn new things about myself, my children, and my life.

I remember. Yeah, how do I remember.  How BRIGHT the sun was that afternoon.  Was it not going to rain just a couple hours before?  Was the sky not gloomy?  Was the Earth not just black and white?  It might have been, but right then there it was so bright!  Life looked so good.  I remember!  I remember a little pep in my step!   I remember feeling Jay's arm around me and hugging me...I felt it this time!  I could feel a little!  I was not so numb.  I remember feeling my Savior's arm around me and it felt so good.  I remember feeling so empowered.  I just remembered.

I remembered going to Tricia's different.  Not the same person who I was that morning when I handed off my bundle of joy to go and fight against the person who should have protected us. But, hey that is okay...because that is what that day was for and little did I know.  It was for me to take over and protect us from here on out.  Yeah, I remember.

I remember coming to love the scars.  On my face. On my head.  On my throat.  On my hands.  I remember and WILL NEVER FORGET!  I remember because someone has to.

~Always Susan~