I REMEMBER, BOY DO I REMEMBER

Well, here I am again after such a long hiatus!!   What brings me here, you ask?  Nothing but good ole PTSD and let me tell you it is nothing nice.  You ask how did I come to have this?  I acquired this, if you want to look at it that way, after going through a domestic attempted murder 7 years ago this March.

I never really realized that is what I had, I just thought what I was going through was what my mind and body were suppose to go through.  I remember being terrified and scared.  I remember waking up to my mother-in-law standing at the foot of my bed.  I remember trying to call the nurse, them coming over the intercom saying, "Nurses station, How can I help you?" and me not being able to answer them because I had a trach.  I remember being terrified that my husband would show up and finish what he started.  I remember feeling and having so much anxiety because you see I was 4-1/2 months pregnant with Austin when all of this happened and while my life was important in saving, so was his.

I remember having to re-learn how to walk and breath on my own.  I remember going up the stairs in physical therapy, but could not come down for them for the life of me. I remember everyone coming to my hospital room like I was some Virgin Mary sighting because somehow the whole hospital knew about me!  I remember not knowing how to respond to them.  I mean come on, nothing special..this was my life, right?

I remember ICU.  I remember those who were there, those who were not.  I remember the police outside my door.  I remember, boy do I remember.  I remember when they came to me and told me they caught him.  I remember it was right before they brought me to surgery.  I remember more than I care to remember, but I know that I have to remember because this cannot keep happening.

I remember leaving the hospital.  I remember going to a safe house.  I remember being scared out of my mind.  I remember mustering up everything in me to go through the door to get to the bathroom. I remember seeing myself for the first time since before.  I remember the marks.  I remember the stitches.  I remember.  I remember counting the marks on my breasts, my shoulders, my face, my arms, and my legs.  I remember the look in his eyes.  I remembered it all!

I remember forcing myself to eat, to take my medicine, to go the doctor, the police, the detectives coming over and asking the same questions over and over.  Was the crime scene pictures not enough? was my current physical state not enough?  I remember the DA's office.  I remember the ADA.  I remember their attitudes and how I felt after meeting with them.  I remember being all by myself. I remember being stuck. FOR. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.  I remember the jail.  I remember the prisoners in orange wondering what he was doing. What was going through his mind.  Did he care?  Did he feel remorse for what he did?  Did he see this as a fight for him? Did he not think of the baby, our baby, now my baby, when he tried to kill me/us?

I remember going to court for the first time. I remember my feelings as the line of prisoners on the chain walked in.  I remember holding on and getting ready to run.  I remember how I felt when he was not there.  I remember sitting back not so ready while everything happened.

I remembered 04/01/2004. Was this going to be my April's Fool or his?  I remembered how this was his last chance at trying to get out.  I remembered NO ONE in his family calling.  I remembered how they helped him get away knowing what he did to us.   They had to see him just covered in my blood! The car! What went through their minds as they cleaned him up and put him on that bus to Galveston.  I remembered Jay calling me and telling me obviously his lawyer and family had no clue what he did and to what extent.  I remember Jay's voice and how he sounded while he said, "Susan, I sat there is disbelief.  How could one expect to have him release to their custody after everything?"  I remembered his mom saying she had a job lined up at Home Depot for him. I remembered how I felt that they wanted him released until trial.  I remember wanting to run, flee, and get away.   I remembered Jay telling me that he told them why he should not be released.  He told them,  "Does Home Depot not have hammers?" and even after all of this, NOTHING!  They blamed me for what their son/brother did. I was the bitch.  I was the white bitch who took a brotha down!  I was the enemy!  I remember.

I remembered calling the jail several times a day for weeks after that.  The person, on shift at the time, knew my voice.  Jaw wired shut, I still found the strength to give them his CID# and name.  I remember feeling embarrassed about calling and calling the VINE # over and over.  I remember rechecking that I entered my phone number over and over to make sure VINE had my number correct, so if he escaped or anything, the system would call me.  I remember.  I remember Detective Zanotelli coming to the house to check on me and the kids.  I remember not wanting him to leave, EVER!  I remember, dammit!

I remembered seeing her, his attorney, Susan, for the first time.  I remembered thinking how could she represent someone who did this, especially another women? I remembered thinking, "What a stupid bitch!"  Then I saw him.  For the first time since March of 2004.  I remembered he would not look me in the face. He would not look at me in the eyes.  I wanted to go off on him.  Wale on him, like he did to us that day in March because he could not fight back, see he was in handcuffs.  I wanted him to feel what I felt.  I wanted all of what was in me to be transferred to him because I did not want this anymore.  I wanted to get on with my life and act like this never happened, but I COULD NOT.

I was so raw.  The scab never forming over the wound.  I had to protect us like the scab.  I was so mad!  Listening to the 9-1-1 call, his voice, saying, "I think I killed my wife.  There is blood everywhere."  He did this while at the Winn Dixie at the head of our street.  Watching as the ambulance, police, and fire department passed him to go to his pregnant wife.  And then he left, ran from New Orleans.  How? Why? Did you do that?  Looking at him for some emotion, something, but NOTHING!  He just held his head down.

When asked if he was abusive before, I looked at Jay for direction.  See I was told I could not talk about anything prior to March 4, 2004.  They did not ever think she would bring it up herself, she as in his attorney. I said yes.  I remember more questions, more questions, same ones, and I remembered making her work for the money that HIS family stole from us while I was in the hospital.  I figured I would use it all up! I remember looking at Jay to save me....thinking and obviously my face said it, "I am going to kill this bitch! Stupid pink hair dumb-ass."  Then the judge tells her, "I think she has answered your question. Ummm (looking up), how did she put it? "He was just being Randy."  Yes, the pompous ass was on my side!

I remember walking past him after all of this, him silent, had not said a word, and head still down.  I remembered a wave of pity and feeling sorry coming over me for him.  I was leaving and he was staying. Going back across the street to be told how to do everything.  When to sleep. When to shower. When to eat.  When to piss.  When to shit.  But, I was leaving to go and get MY baby, not his, not our, but MY baby and to hold on him and love on him until I was ready to let go.  My voice was finally heard by him without him interrupting. Without him leaving.  Without him hitting.  Without him criticizing.  To be vindicated that way never felt so good.  To feel like some control was back was so empowering. Yep, ole Susan was on the mend and coming back, but this time better and this time having to learn new things about myself, my children, and my life.

I remember. Yeah, how do I remember.  How BRIGHT the sun was that afternoon.  Was it not going to rain just a couple hours before?  Was the sky not gloomy?  Was the Earth not just black and white?  It might have been, but right then there it was so bright!  Life looked so good.  I remember!  I remember a little pep in my step!   I remember feeling Jay's arm around me and hugging me...I felt it this time!  I could feel a little!  I was not so numb.  I remember feeling my Savior's arm around me and it felt so good.  I remember feeling so empowered.  I just remembered.

I remembered going to Tricia's different.  Not the same person who I was that morning when I handed off my bundle of joy to go and fight against the person who should have protected us. But, hey that is okay...because that is what that day was for and little did I know.  It was for me to take over and protect us from here on out.  Yeah, I remember.

I remember coming to love the scars.  On my face. On my head.  On my throat.  On my hands.  I remember and WILL NEVER FORGET!  I remember because someone has to.

~Always Susan~