Pushing

I feel like he is pushing me away. For some time now, we have only been talking every two days or so. Sometimes it goes more and it hurts. He says it is deliberate and I would only hope to think that it is a good reason, but it still does not make me feel any better. I am pulling away from him and I can feel it. So if I can feel it, I know that he can feel it also.

This is the last thing that I want to happen. I do not want to pull away from him, but the space he is giving me is just not good. I go through the day not realizing we have not talked until it gets to the time that we usually talk and then I realize that he is not texting or calling. Why? That I have no clue at all.

I feel that I need to prepare myself for what might happen and that is him and I will not be together any more than what we are right now. Why do I feel that I am in the same place I was almost a year ago? I know he will not fight for me and by fight I mean with himself. He will just allow what happens to happen, and I have to be ready for that. He needs to be ready for that because once I close mysefl off I will not be able to open back up to him. He is hurting me whether he means to or not. He is hurting me bad.

I am still alone, and not in a bad way, but I think that it is even worse to have someone and realy not have them. Will he ever get that divorce? Part of me, a bif part of me, feels that he will not and to me that saddens me because I know that I can not be with him as long as he is married.

I am relieved that the children do not know that I am talking to him again. It would just crush them like it did the first time. They were calling him Dad and actually allowing them into their lives and when we were no more...I had to pick up the pieces.

Please do not push me too far away or too hard at once because I might not come back.

<3 Susan