Closing the Chapter on Jeff

It is funny how when you put down to paper (or computer) what your current trial is how you can gain strength from just "letting it go" and the decision becomes easier and the situation becomes clearer. The other day, I journaled about Jeff and how there were things that were between us, which were fine and dandy, but for him it meant certain things happening and for me it meant that certain things could not happen, but if I was to continue there was a HUGE possibility that they would and then I would be back to square one and might have sacrificed everything that was is the foundation for which I stand and raise my children on. Today, while driving the subject about Chasity and being chaste. I pulled out my handy dandy True to the Faith book (gosh I LOVE this book!!!) and starting reading out of it to children after explaining certain things to them. As I was reading, I new that taking Jeff's number out of my phone and saying I was not going to answer his calls was the best action. There is a section under the topic of Chasity that is Decide now to be chaste. In the section, it states, "You need to make this decision only once. Make the decision now, before the temptation comes, and let your decision be so firm and with such deep commitment that it can never be shaken. Determine now that you will never do anything outside of marriage to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not arouse those emotions in another person's body or in your own body. Determine now that you will be completely true to your spouse."

Now while some of those do not apply to me, such as my spouse, the majority of this section did. I made the decision, but the temptation has been there and I want to thank my Heavenly Father for given me the strength or the roadblocks that happened there, so that nothing did happen between Jeff and I. I made the decision several times, but I guess until I made the decision really, which was by taking his number out of my phone and such, the decision had not been made. I have made up my mind that I WILL NOT do anything again until I am married and also in a marriage that is recognized by the Church, not a common-law marriage as with Steven (so another post).

I felt so good when I was reading the section in the book about Chasity to the children that I indeed made the right decision. It was a like a ah-ha moment and a confirmation that I was on the right path, the straight and narrow. I was reading this and thinking why did I not read this yesterday, but see in fact I had already read it several times, but this time it stood out to me more and I know it is because I first had to make the decision to not do it and pray for Heavenly Father's help, and that today was part of the help that I was seeking.

I pray that Heavenly Father be there with me throughout this area of my life. That is continues to give me the strength to do his will and what is right. I am thankful for the gospel and my membership in it, as well as for the people who have been there for me in such a non-judgemental way. I am grateful for the sacrifice and Atonement of Jesus and that I am able to be forgiven for my sins, if I truly repent. I am also grateful for a Father in Heaven that knows us so well. He knows what is in my heart and what I have tried so unsuccessfully to accomplish because I was doing it my way and not his way. I am grateful that he has never turned his back on me and has been waiting there all this time for me to come and say, "Okay, it is not about when I want it and ready, but when you feel that I am ready. Got it!" I am grateful for the temples that we have here on earth and for the path I am on, so that I can one day be worthy to enter the temple and make those covenants and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen.

I mean look at it (San Antonio Temple), do you not want to go there? I mean, I do and I will do what I need to do to become worthy to enter the Temple!!!!

Jeff

Approximately two months ago I met a guy around my age through an ad that I placed on Craigslist. While I had several responses, Jeff was the only one that really panned out or maybe he was the only one I wanted to work out.

We talked for about a week or so before we decided to meet. I was going to try to meet him without the children, but for the lack of a babysitter and being able to find one, I opted to meet him at the park where the children could play and we could talk. We decided to meet at MacArthur Park. I first went and dropped off Courtney at Kenya's birthday party, which was at Michelle's apartment and then headed over the MacArthur.

I arrived at the park first and then Jeff did. He walked up and I was playing with Mallorie on the play scape. I can honestly say that I am not attracted to Hispanic men, but he was cute with his jeans, T-shirt, and baseball cap. We let the boys play and we walked over to the swings, so I could push Mallorie on the swings. We talked and then walked some more. We ended up sitting down at a picnic table where we could see the boys. There was a birthday party going on and somehow my boys ended up getting something to eat and drink, but that is so another story.

We sat and talked. He proceeded to want to arm wrestle and I could not believe how strong he was. We would look for the boys, which for Austin was quite easy because he has light up shows, so when he walked you could see the red light going off.

We stayed there until the park closed, which was 11 o'clock and then we went our separate ways home.

We proceeded to talk and the next day we went to Peter Piper Pizza. We were going to go to the one on the South Side, but I did not feel comfortable and ended up at the one at the Forum. The children had a blast and I enjoyed myself. It was nice to have someone to talk to without having to worry about all the relationship B.S. It was nice to be there on a platonic presence. We left from there, brought him back to his friend's house where his car was parked, I changed Mallorie and then he gave me a hug, and we left. He called to make sure that I was able to get back on the interstate, in the right direction, without any problems and we said we would talk to each other later.

Fast forward a little bit...we would text here and there. He would call and sometimes I was able to get his phone calls and other times I missed them. There were times he was text me and times that he would not. I can honestly say that after Steven...this was a nice change and I was enjoying it.

One night while we were on the phone, he told me he wanted to "make love to me." I was like, "huh?" See this was the first time I had ever heard Jeff speak to me in that manner or that subject. He told me he wanted to give me what I wanted and I asked him how did he know what I wanted because I had never told him. He proceeded to tell me and he was pretty close, if not a direct hit, on things. I told him that I did not want to ruin things between us and I was not sure if he was ready for what that meant to me, if it happened. See Jeff has been known to go to bars/clubs, pick up girls, get a room, and well...you know the rest. I am so not that type of WOMAN.

So over the next couple of weeks, I have pretty much remained the same, not calling, not texting, just responding when he initiates the communication and seeing where things go. Well needless to say..the way the first conversation went is how the remaining have gone. He has told me that he "thinks" that I am strong enough to keep him from going back to the "ole" Jeff. I told him that he could not put that responsibility on someone because ultimately it is his responsibility to keep himself out of what he wants to keep himself out of.

So fast forward....two or three conversations ago..which was about two weeks ago or so..I asked him if that was all the he wanted me for? He told me that now he is going to back down and where he was getting comfortable with me..now the window is back up and he is across the street. I literally felt the breath come out of me...what did I just do? Why did I do it? What was I thinking? Well...exactly what I said, but I did not think he would have responded that way.

See up until this point, I was sure that I was the challenge that almost every man sees me as. The one that they need to conquer, but the way he reacted had me wondering, but then in the next thought I had to remember myself that Jeff is a bullshitter, majorly and he can play the game very, very, very good. He has done things just to prove he can and have walked away not caring at all.

One thing he told me was that he is afraid that he will crush me and that also means my children. He also said that I have a big heart, I am very real, and that is why it would bother him if he did, but as he was saying this I was saying to myself...you would still walk away and hurt me because you rather hurt than be hurt. I am not sure if I could handle that...what I feel, the attraction is right there as it was with Tommy and sometimes that still even hurts (so another post or more). So at this point...I am like I rather like from afar then up close...because getting hurt seems to be something that I experience a lot.

So here I am...keeping him at bay. Do not get me wrong sometimes the attention is very flattering and I end up with a pep in my step, but then when I think about my morals, values, my baptismal covenant and so much more....that pep is because I have not succumb to the adversary's temptations.

I spoke with Jeff the other day and told him that I want to feel and experience us physically, but just as I want to then I do not want to. I told him that the eternal ramifications that I will suffer are not worth losing. I told him that I still want to talk to him and be with him, but who I am and what I stand for is worth a lot to me. Now how he took it and takes it remains to be seen. He says that it (the physical) will happen and just as sure as he is when he says that is as sure as I am that it will not.

So, this is my dilemma....do I just completely cut contact or do I keep contact and feel like I am constantly struggling with this. It is not that he is not respectful because he so is. He has always been a gentleman, but I am not sure if I want to have him out of my life. He is a major smart ass and can even hang with him in that department, and for those of you who know me...know that, that alone is a major thing. Losing him in the midst of smart assness does not happen...he keeps up and even takes lead sometimes. He is also true, great with the children, and has a stable life around him with family and friends.

Part of me just wants to get to know him more and get to know him better. Spend time with him doing things and building the friendship that we have started. I do not want to complicate things by putting the physical or allowing the physical to come into play because I just want "him" right now...not the "parts of him."

Also, I need to "fix" me before I can give me to anyone. I have to give a fixed me to myself first and then to those in my life, and lastly to those who will come in and probably out of my life. I cannot expect someone to "fix" what is wrong and make it go all away because when they go away...I am still left with me...the raw and open me...and I do not know about anyone else...but I like to feel whole and not like I am picking up the pieces again!!!! The pieces that someone else has created because I ALLOWED them to put me into pieces hoping that they would care enough about me, as I do....to Handle me with care!!

So I guess for now I am going to continue as is...being strong and if things work out between us great and if not...at least I had a fun time being around someone, being myself, being himself, being who we are together...and come out stronger than how I went into this friendship. I am going to continue being the mommy I am, the friend I am, and most of all continue being.......