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Closing the Chapter on Jeff

It is funny how when you put down to paper (or computer) what your current trial is how you can gain strength from just "letting it go" and the decision becomes easier and the situation becomes clearer. The other day, I journaled about Jeff and how there were things that were between us, which were fine and dandy, but for him it meant certain things happening and for me it meant that certain things could not happen, but if I was to continue there was a HUGE possibility that they would and then I would be back to square one and might have sacrificed everything that was is the foundation for which I stand and raise my children on. Today, while driving the subject about Chasity and being chaste. I pulled out my handy dandy True to the Faith book (gosh I LOVE this book!!!) and starting reading out of it to children after explaining certain things to them. As I was reading, I new that taking Jeff's number out of my phone and saying I was not going to answer his calls was the best action. There is a section under the topic of Chasity that is Decide now to be chaste. In the section, it states, "You need to make this decision only once. Make the decision now, before the temptation comes, and let your decision be so firm and with such deep commitment that it can never be shaken. Determine now that you will never do anything outside of marriage to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not arouse those emotions in another person's body or in your own body. Determine now that you will be completely true to your spouse."

Now while some of those do not apply to me, such as my spouse, the majority of this section did. I made the decision, but the temptation has been there and I want to thank my Heavenly Father for given me the strength or the roadblocks that happened there, so that nothing did happen between Jeff and I. I made the decision several times, but I guess until I made the decision really, which was by taking his number out of my phone and such, the decision had not been made. I have made up my mind that I WILL NOT do anything again until I am married and also in a marriage that is recognized by the Church, not a common-law marriage as with Steven (so another post).

I felt so good when I was reading the section in the book about Chasity to the children that I indeed made the right decision. It was a like a ah-ha moment and a confirmation that I was on the right path, the straight and narrow. I was reading this and thinking why did I not read this yesterday, but see in fact I had already read it several times, but this time it stood out to me more and I know it is because I first had to make the decision to not do it and pray for Heavenly Father's help, and that today was part of the help that I was seeking.

I pray that Heavenly Father be there with me throughout this area of my life. That is continues to give me the strength to do his will and what is right. I am thankful for the gospel and my membership in it, as well as for the people who have been there for me in such a non-judgemental way. I am grateful for the sacrifice and Atonement of Jesus and that I am able to be forgiven for my sins, if I truly repent. I am also grateful for a Father in Heaven that knows us so well. He knows what is in my heart and what I have tried so unsuccessfully to accomplish because I was doing it my way and not his way. I am grateful that he has never turned his back on me and has been waiting there all this time for me to come and say, "Okay, it is not about when I want it and ready, but when you feel that I am ready. Got it!" I am grateful for the temples that we have here on earth and for the path I am on, so that I can one day be worthy to enter the temple and make those covenants and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen.

I mean look at it (San Antonio Temple), do you not want to go there? I mean, I do and I will do what I need to do to become worthy to enter the Temple!!!!

Talk on Personal Journals

For those who do not know, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been a member for 10 years now and I am grateful for our leaders that we have had and will have. I am grateful for the guidance and counsel that has been given to us because of their obedience and willingness to serve the Lord.

I was going through True to the Faith book today and was trying to find something on Journaling and I could not, so I came to the next best thing and that was our church's web page at http://www.lds.org/ (you should give it a try!!!) and searched journaling. The first article that came up was from President Kimball and I know that I explained what this blog meant to me in the previous post...this also pretty much sums it up and more.

Spencer W. Kimball, “President Kimball Speaks Out on Personal Journals,” New Era, Dec 1980, 26

His journal was 33 black binders on the shelves of his personal study when President Spencer W. Kimball was called to be President of the Church in 1973. Since then, he has frequently counseled and exhorted members of the Church to keep personal journals.

On a number of occasions I have encouraged the Saints to keep personal journals and family records. I renew that admonition. We may think there is little of interest or importance in what we personally say or do—but it is remarkable how many of our families, as we pass on down the line, are interested in all that we do and all that we say.


Any Latter-day Saint family that has searched genealogical and historical records has fervently wished its ancestors had kept better and more complete records. On the other hand, some families possess some spiritual treasures because ancestors have recorded the events surrounding their conversion to the gospel and other happenings of interest, including many miraculous blessings and spiritual experiences. People often use the excuse that their lives are uneventful and nobody would be interested in what they have done. But I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to your families, to your children, your grandchildren, and others, on through the generations. Each of us is important to those who are near and dear to us—and as our posterity read of our life’s experiences, they, too, will come to know and love us. And in that glorious day when our families are together in the eternities, we will already be acquainted.

Would every family, as they now hold their home evenings, train their children from young childhood to keep a journal of the important activities of their lives, certainly by the time they begin to leave home for schooling and missions?


From time immemorial the Lord has counseled us to be a record-keeping people. Abraham had a book of remembrance, and Adam had one. You may think of them as not being as highly educated as we are, but they were well-trained people. Adam spent much effort being the school teacher for his children. He and Eve taught their sons and daughters. He taught them the gospel in their home evenings, and he taught them reading and writing and arithmetic. And they kept their books of remembrance. How else do you think Moses, many hundreds of years later, got the information? These records had been kept, and he referred to them and got the history of the world, which wasn’t in any library other than that. Can you see your responsibility?

Early in the American life of the family of Lehi, his son Nephi said: “Having had a great knowledge of the goodness and mysteries of God, therefore, I make a record of my proceedings in my days. …


“And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.” (1 Ne. 1:1, 3.) This great record included not only the movements of his people, but his own personal life.

When the Savior visited this continent following his resurrection, he commanded the Nephites and Lamanites to bring their records up to date. He said to them: “Behold, other scriptures I would that ye should write, that ye have not.


“And it came to pass that he said unto Nephi: Bring forth the record which ye have kept.

“And when Nephi had brought forth the records, and laid them before him, he cast his eyes upon them and said:


“Verily I say unto you, I commanded my servant Samuel, the Lamanite, that he should testify unto this people, that at the day that the Father should glorify his name in me that there were many saints who should arise from the dead, and should appear unto many, and should minister unto them. And he said unto them: Was it not so?

“And his disciples answered him and said: Yea, Lord, …


“And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them?

“And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written, … therefore it was written according as he commanded.” (3 Ne. 23:6–13.)


I am glad that it was not I who was reprimanded, even though mildly and kindly, for not having fulfilled the obligation to write the records and keep them up to date.

And again in our day the Lord said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “And again, let all the records be had in order, that they may be put in the archives of my holy temple” (D&C 127:9).


You should continue on in this important work of recording the things you do, the things you say, the things you think, to be in accordance with the instructions of the Lord. Your story should be written now while it is fresh and while the true details are available.

Your private journal should record the way you face up to challenges that beset you. Do not suppose life changes so much that your experiences will not be interesting to your posterity. Experiences of work, relations with people, and an awareness of the rightness and wrongness of actions will always be relevant. Your journal, like most others, will tell of problems as old as the world and how you dealt with them.


Your journal should contain your true self rather than a picture of you when you are “made up” for a public performance. There is a temptation to paint one’s virtues in rich color and whitewash the vices, but there is also the opposite pitfall of accentuating the negative. Personally I have little respect for anyone who delves into the ugly phases of the life he is portraying, whether it be his own or another’s. The truth should be told, but we should not emphasize the negative. Even a long life full of inspiring experiences can be brought to the dust by one ugly story. Why dwell on that one ugly truth about someone whose life has been largely circumspect?

Your journal is your autobiography, so it should be kept carefully. You are unique, and there may be incidents in your experience that are more noble and praiseworthy in their way than those recorded in any other life.


What could you do better for your children and your children’s children than to record the story of your life, your triumphs over adversity, your recovery after a fall, your progress when all seemed black, your rejoicing when you had finally achieved? Some of what you write may be humdrum dates and places, but there will also be rich passages that will be quoted by your posterity.

We hope you will begin as of this date. If you have not already commenced this important duty in your lives, get a good notebook, a good book that will last through time and into eternity for the angels to look upon. Begin today and write in it your goings and your comings, your deeper thoughts, your achievements, and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. We hope you will do this, our brothers and sisters, for this is what the Lord has commanded, and those who keep a personal journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives.

Purpose of this blog and what IT means to ME

For those of you who are scratching your heads and are like, "huh, what is the reason for the blog?", this post will explain it for the most part. Pretty much those of you have known me at different parts of my life, whether from elementary school, high school, college, adult life without children, adult life with children, one of my two marriages, and so on. Some know what I have gone through in my life and others do not know.

So, with that said....this blog is about that journey. From the abuse I experienced growing up, to the abuse in my first marriage, to joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint, to my second marriage, Enrichment counselor, Enrichment leader, Branch Missionaries, the abuse and attempted-murder in my second marriage, to my children, Hurricane Katrina to our exodus to Kaufman and then San Antonio. From the Jefferson Parish DA's office, two trials, Jefferson Parish Correctional Facility to Angola, to Metropolitian Battered Women to Family Violence Prevention, to Children's Advocacy Center to Child Safe, advocating for my rights, my children's right, and those who cannot advocate for themselves and so on.

This journal is about the trials and tribulations that I, myself, have gone through and how the gospel has given me strength to get through it and, in some cases, past it. It is to show my children, the generations to come, and those who read about my life that I too was human just like everyone else and that I also had struggles. It will show the good and the bad of my life, but most of all it will show that no matter what two things remain the same....(1) the Gospel is true and (2) I am Always Susan.

For some time I have been trying to start my journal and have not started for one reason or another. So, just as I tell my children, "When you try, you never accomplish anything. You can say that you are trying to walk out the door, but until you do it..you never walk out that door you just stay on the other side trying." So, instead of tyring..I am just going to DO IT.

There was also the guilt of not having started long ago (11 years ago) and having "lost" all that time. SO instead of just starting from the different points in my life where I have realized this, all that I have done it lost more time. I pray that as I go through things in my life from here on out..that as my memory is jogged, those "times" that were lost and not recorded become less and less.

I feel and know it is time for me to express what make me who I am..what makes me..Always Susan..because even through all of the things that I will talk about on here, discuss, and express...when everything is said and done...I am Always Susan and no one can take that from me. I know a lot of people who have gone through or are going through different things in their lives whether from abuse growing up, sexual abuse, failed marriages, domestic violence, and so on, but for me..I am grateful that, for the most part, I have had the gospel there in my life. I am grateful for the Atonement and what that means to me personally. I am grateful for my Priesthood and the blessings that they can give, even though I do not have my own priesthood holder in my house anymore. I am grateful that the Church has been my family when my family has not been there for one or more reasons. I am grateful for my testimony that I have and the strength of it, because without it, I would not be able to go through what I have been through and be as strong as I am afterwards or during it.

My wish is that through this blog is that you
(1) You start your own journal.
(2) You tap into whatever gives you strength to go through what you have and/or will.
(3) You evolve from the victim to the survivor and lead the most productive life that you know how. I wish for you to see the red flags that we ourselves produce in our own relationships and how we continue to end up with the same thing over and over, or at least most of the time, and how to break the cycle that we have learned all too well.

There are also so many more wishes that will go unmentioned.

As I mentioned earlier, I hope that as I grow and heal from my trials and tribulations, you will also do the same in your own way. With that said.......

Jeff

Approximately two months ago I met a guy around my age through an ad that I placed on Craigslist. While I had several responses, Jeff was the only one that really panned out or maybe he was the only one I wanted to work out.

We talked for about a week or so before we decided to meet. I was going to try to meet him without the children, but for the lack of a babysitter and being able to find one, I opted to meet him at the park where the children could play and we could talk. We decided to meet at MacArthur Park. I first went and dropped off Courtney at Kenya's birthday party, which was at Michelle's apartment and then headed over the MacArthur.

I arrived at the park first and then Jeff did. He walked up and I was playing with Mallorie on the play scape. I can honestly say that I am not attracted to Hispanic men, but he was cute with his jeans, T-shirt, and baseball cap. We let the boys play and we walked over to the swings, so I could push Mallorie on the swings. We talked and then walked some more. We ended up sitting down at a picnic table where we could see the boys. There was a birthday party going on and somehow my boys ended up getting something to eat and drink, but that is so another story.

We sat and talked. He proceeded to want to arm wrestle and I could not believe how strong he was. We would look for the boys, which for Austin was quite easy because he has light up shows, so when he walked you could see the red light going off.

We stayed there until the park closed, which was 11 o'clock and then we went our separate ways home.

We proceeded to talk and the next day we went to Peter Piper Pizza. We were going to go to the one on the South Side, but I did not feel comfortable and ended up at the one at the Forum. The children had a blast and I enjoyed myself. It was nice to have someone to talk to without having to worry about all the relationship B.S. It was nice to be there on a platonic presence. We left from there, brought him back to his friend's house where his car was parked, I changed Mallorie and then he gave me a hug, and we left. He called to make sure that I was able to get back on the interstate, in the right direction, without any problems and we said we would talk to each other later.

Fast forward a little bit...we would text here and there. He would call and sometimes I was able to get his phone calls and other times I missed them. There were times he was text me and times that he would not. I can honestly say that after Steven...this was a nice change and I was enjoying it.

One night while we were on the phone, he told me he wanted to "make love to me." I was like, "huh?" See this was the first time I had ever heard Jeff speak to me in that manner or that subject. He told me he wanted to give me what I wanted and I asked him how did he know what I wanted because I had never told him. He proceeded to tell me and he was pretty close, if not a direct hit, on things. I told him that I did not want to ruin things between us and I was not sure if he was ready for what that meant to me, if it happened. See Jeff has been known to go to bars/clubs, pick up girls, get a room, and well...you know the rest. I am so not that type of WOMAN.

So over the next couple of weeks, I have pretty much remained the same, not calling, not texting, just responding when he initiates the communication and seeing where things go. Well needless to say..the way the first conversation went is how the remaining have gone. He has told me that he "thinks" that I am strong enough to keep him from going back to the "ole" Jeff. I told him that he could not put that responsibility on someone because ultimately it is his responsibility to keep himself out of what he wants to keep himself out of.

So fast forward....two or three conversations ago..which was about two weeks ago or so..I asked him if that was all the he wanted me for? He told me that now he is going to back down and where he was getting comfortable with me..now the window is back up and he is across the street. I literally felt the breath come out of me...what did I just do? Why did I do it? What was I thinking? Well...exactly what I said, but I did not think he would have responded that way.

See up until this point, I was sure that I was the challenge that almost every man sees me as. The one that they need to conquer, but the way he reacted had me wondering, but then in the next thought I had to remember myself that Jeff is a bullshitter, majorly and he can play the game very, very, very good. He has done things just to prove he can and have walked away not caring at all.

One thing he told me was that he is afraid that he will crush me and that also means my children. He also said that I have a big heart, I am very real, and that is why it would bother him if he did, but as he was saying this I was saying to myself...you would still walk away and hurt me because you rather hurt than be hurt. I am not sure if I could handle that...what I feel, the attraction is right there as it was with Tommy and sometimes that still even hurts (so another post or more). So at this point...I am like I rather like from afar then up close...because getting hurt seems to be something that I experience a lot.

So here I am...keeping him at bay. Do not get me wrong sometimes the attention is very flattering and I end up with a pep in my step, but then when I think about my morals, values, my baptismal covenant and so much more....that pep is because I have not succumb to the adversary's temptations.

I spoke with Jeff the other day and told him that I want to feel and experience us physically, but just as I want to then I do not want to. I told him that the eternal ramifications that I will suffer are not worth losing. I told him that I still want to talk to him and be with him, but who I am and what I stand for is worth a lot to me. Now how he took it and takes it remains to be seen. He says that it (the physical) will happen and just as sure as he is when he says that is as sure as I am that it will not.

So, this is my dilemma....do I just completely cut contact or do I keep contact and feel like I am constantly struggling with this. It is not that he is not respectful because he so is. He has always been a gentleman, but I am not sure if I want to have him out of my life. He is a major smart ass and can even hang with him in that department, and for those of you who know me...know that, that alone is a major thing. Losing him in the midst of smart assness does not happen...he keeps up and even takes lead sometimes. He is also true, great with the children, and has a stable life around him with family and friends.

Part of me just wants to get to know him more and get to know him better. Spend time with him doing things and building the friendship that we have started. I do not want to complicate things by putting the physical or allowing the physical to come into play because I just want "him" right now...not the "parts of him."

Also, I need to "fix" me before I can give me to anyone. I have to give a fixed me to myself first and then to those in my life, and lastly to those who will come in and probably out of my life. I cannot expect someone to "fix" what is wrong and make it go all away because when they go away...I am still left with me...the raw and open me...and I do not know about anyone else...but I like to feel whole and not like I am picking up the pieces again!!!! The pieces that someone else has created because I ALLOWED them to put me into pieces hoping that they would care enough about me, as I do....to Handle me with care!!

So I guess for now I am going to continue as is...being strong and if things work out between us great and if not...at least I had a fun time being around someone, being myself, being himself, being who we are together...and come out stronger than how I went into this friendship. I am going to continue being the mommy I am, the friend I am, and most of all continue being.......

Little snipets

If you see little one liners or "snipets", it just means that I will elaborate on the subject more when I can. These little one liners are coming from me being mobile and I cannot really blog, per se, but do not want to forget the moment.