Not feeling too hot with myself right now

I did not get up for my shift this morning (2a-6a). One of my supervisors called me and said that the other one, who was on a conference call, wanted her to call me and see what happened. I told her that I was not feeling well, and actually she was my wake up call. I told her that I would work straight through the make up my time and for my shift that starts at 12 noon. She said that the other supervisor was going to call me after her conference call. (YIKES)

Well, I know what is coming. I have already been warned, verbally, so the next is written, and then two more steps..and my job is through. Do I want this? No, but why is it so hard for me to get up. It is because I drain myself during the day, or is it that my bed is comfortable, or is it that I tell myself I am going to get up and hit the snooze button and never do. Whatever it is...I need to get my behind in gear.

Looking at my children this morning, on the morning of my baby's birthday, I got a little choked up. How could I risk this? How could I risk not being here for them? How many other moms would kill to have my job? Susan, you need to get a grip. I cannot fail them.. they depend so much on me and it is my job to provide for them. Right now my heart is racing, my fingers are typing like they never have, and anticipating that phone call, hoping that she does just give me the warning and not fire me. I do not think I could handle being fired. That is not what I want.

So when the phone call comes, I am going to take responsibility and move on from there. Going to get my behind out of the bed when my alarm goes off and not hit the snooze button. If I had to work out of the house, I am not sure what I would do or where my children would be.

So from now on, no more...zero tolerance and as I tell me children, Just do it, do not try!!! I am writing this to remind me of how precious my children, my life, our lives, and most of all my job is to me, so that I can remind myself and get it into my head. Right now my son is mad at me because I will not and cannot listen to him...is it his fault? no, it is mine and I am going to have to make it up to him because IF I would hae gotten up..>i would not be working right now.

Boaz - from beginning to end

This is Boaz. He joined our family back in April and ever since it has been a really hard pill to swallow. Do not get me wrong I love animals and all, and they were my babies before I had my babies, but I feel like we have bitten off more than we can chew.

Here is the story behind him. My daughter, Courtney, started off with a tabby cat called Calley, that we acquired off of Craigslist here in S.A. from twin brothers, who rescued Greyhounds. They have a friend that was

in one of the parks here in S.A. and heard her crying, and brought her to them. So we met them in the parking lot of McDonald's and received our nice little bundle of joy!

Well, she was a perfect match for Courtney. Her personality was so much like Courtney's, she was just something else. Well one day we noticed that she had not been back. She had not looked sick in the days prior to her not being home, so we are not sure what happened. We also noticed that some of the tom cats that had been hanging around, were no longer here. So after some time, I decided to get Courtney something that would not run away.

We first found a dog on Craigslist named Addison. She was a poodle combination who belonged to a couple that had just had a baby and was finding that they did not have the time for her with the baby and her husband and his aspiring career as a musician, nothing big, just local. We went over to their house under the pretense that we were going to be bringing Addison home. Well I should have known from the hesitation I sensed on the phone that they were not ready to part with her. We stopped at Petco and picked up some treats for her. Went over, met her and the owners and everything went well. Well right as we were about to leave to go and get the money for her, they said that she did get along great with us, but they wanted to give the other people who had contacted them a chance and see how they felt about those people. My children were so disappointed. I never, ever would have brought them over to see this dog if I had know that. I knew driving away that they were not ready to give her up.

We then left from there and went to the Humane Society where Courtney picked out another dog. She had just come in with her other liter mates and had to wait until Monday in order for her to be spayed. We left there anticipating the arrival of Evers. Well on Monday, they called to let me know that one of her liter mates had gotten sick and tested positive for Parvo, and that Evers probably would get it, even though she tested negative. They said that we could pay for the treatment, but that it was expensive and hard for the dog, and could not guarantee anything. I opted out of getting her or any dog for that matter from the Humane Society because of that.

I then search and search and found a pom-pom from the Schertz Humane Society. We set up a time to meet this little one and the day game. He arrived with is foster mom and everything seemed to be going well. Again, we were under the impression that he was ours. The children had fun with him and they said that someone else was interested, but they were not sure how it would go because she had a Chihuahua and was pretty aggressive. Well later on that night, they called to let us know that they placed him with the other family and that the foster mom raised some concerns about the children opening up the front door and letting him out onto the busy street we live on. I was so furious. They did not even ask if we used the front door, which we do not, if the children have opened the front door, which they do not, and on and on. I was just plan hurt.

So that night I looked and looked on the Internet and found Boaz. I asked my neighbor to stay with the the children and went to get him at 11 p.m. at night. I made it there, forget to get the money from the ATM, and finally found a store that was opened and ended up buying the owner cigarettes with cash back to get Boaz. On the way back, the rod that holds my running boards on my van came loose (it was a gravel road) and the guy we bought Boaz from had to take it off from me.

I initially was going to go with another dog, but right as I was about to turn I saw this little piglet (the only one eating) and said oh no I need to have him (reminded me of Rolly Polly's little fat self trying to fit under the couch). I left with him and arrived home, put him in the bed with Courtney, who did not even realize he was home. Zachary was actually waiting for me to come home and as you can see from the pictures ended up falling asleep next to him.

Courtney got up, got ready for school, went to school, came home, and sometime that afternoon realized that she had a dog, she actually had to be told. She was so excited. We brought him to group and counseling that day, and just totally loved on him. He slept with her and would cry and whine, and she attended to his every whimper. I was like Yeah! finally something that could love her as much as she loved him. She was good with him at first, taking care of him, being protective, and loving him.

Over the course of time and as he became bigger and more active...it became too much for us. We were gone almost all of the time between end of the school things, group, counseling, soccer practice and games, and parties, all of which Boaz could not come. I felt so bad because this is not what we intended.

Then we started having a huge flea problem. Zachary is very allergic to them, as was Austin. I treated everything I could and they were still here. I went as far as purchasing Avon Skin So Soft Oil and would have the boys spray this on them, so they fleas would not get to them. During this time, Courtney was at her dad's. Boaz eventually was kicked out of the house to the yard and there he has been ever since.

We went to the doctor's this past Monday and found out that Courtney's scalp condition is probably related to the dog, which is one more reason why we have decided that Boaz needs to find a new home. I do not want to keep my children on steroids for the sake of an animal, so we have opted for Beta fish once again. I put Boaz on Craigslist and have someone, who is suppose to get him on 08/02/2007 for her sister's birthday. I hope she comes through, if not..I have no choice to try to get him to the Humane Society or the pound...(I know, I know).

So with all that said and done..I have learned my lesson and it is such a bittersweet feeling when it comes to Boaz, that I wish I would have thought long and hard, and really weighed it before getting a dog and just have gone with a fish.

Back after a 5 month hiatus

(This is from around the last time I post, even though I had my hair cut this past Monday.)


Okay, so I am finally back and this time hoping to stay active with this thing. I figured this is the only way that I am going to keep up with the happenings of my life and have finally gotten to a point where I will devote some very much overdue time to this, myself, and my children. I have had so much happen over the past five months, that it will probably take awhile for me to blog about, but surely I will, for because due to a recent divine intervention meeting in the 0.99c store I met someone who has reminded me of how precious my history in the making is and will be to my future posterity.

TAKE ME AS I AM, NO MORE AND NO LESS, JUST SUSAN :0)~

I have not been able to blog as I have been having so much going on and for those of you all who know me, know that I do not like that....it makes me crazy. I am the person that stops and loves the things that Heavenly Father has given us. I do not like to be rushed. I love to see the sun rise, the sun set, hear the birds in the morning, watch my children play at the park, and walk through this life at my pace. Sometimes that is hard because people, other people, dictate that for you if you all them and that is exactly what I have been allowing to happen and guess what???? I am there...crazy, rushed, not patient, no time for anything, anyone, myself, my children, or my Father in Heaven, but yet I am so busy. What is that??? How can you be busy about nothing but a bunch of things that is on your schedule and you fill empty. Well I have promised myself to put some dictated things into my schedule. Time with my Father in Heaven, more and more time with my children, more time for myself, and my sanctuary that I call home.

I want to not only bath my children, but enjoy them and the sweet smell of just clean babies. I want to put them to bed, have family prayers, read scriptures and then talk them to a peacefully, spirit filled sleep. I want them to sleep with the angels and wake up with the spirit. I want for them to not have nightmares anymore. I want them to be able to fall asleep peacefully because their little minds are not running a mile a minute.

I want to spend time with my Father in Heaven. I want to read my scriptures. Talk to him and then listen for a response. I want to have my days with my constant companion, the Spirit in my house. I want to be able to bring to others what I have in my life because of my Father in Heaven. I want just for him to live through me and for people who do not know this loving, supportive and caring person to become to know him. Just like the song, Here I am.....Lord here I am. Finish the work you have started in my, because I am on my way to you, create in me......Heal me....Jesus died for us, so we did not have to suffer, but why I am suffering so much? Why do I feel so guilty for things that others have done in my children's lives and my life, and continue to do? yet I kick myself for them not having a father, not having what they deserve. I kick myself for the choices I have made that have made my children fatherless.

My son told me today that he tells other children that he has a father...it made me cry. I am hurting so much for him and my other children. I wish I could find that God fearing man for my children. Someone who will be there and realize how important it is for a child to have a father. A man that will step up to the plate and teach my boys how to be a man of God.

So with the title as it is - take me as I am...Take me as Susan...the 32-year-old who has been married twice to two men who shirked their responsibility. To the woman who was almost killed when she was 4-1/2 months pregnant. Take me as the woman who survived because of Heavenly Father's love. Take me as the person who not quick to trust, but through Heavenly Father can learn to trust. Take me as the woman who knows what it is to hurt, cry, feel lonely, but most of all TAKE ME FOR WHO I AM...NO MORE AND NO LESS. TAKE ME FOR SUSAN. I know that through my Heavenly Father's love, Austin and I are here on earth to see my daughter and son, his sister and brother every day and the blessings that we have received from that. I am so grateful and I know that the man that Heavenly Father has in store for us..will realize how lucky he is and how bless he is.

Always Susan :0)~

Tradition # 2 - Red Beans and Rice on Mondays

Okay for all of you out there that was not born in New Orleans let me explain the significance of this. In the days..before washing machines and such..when women hand washed all the clothes and linen, which was done on Monday..they would put a pot of beans on the stove to cook all day while accomplishing this...I mean Heaven forbid if the men of the house did not eat!!!!! (ha ha)...They would simmer or cook all day, which is actually the secret of a successful pot of red beans. Red beans by no means is a dish that is meant to be whipped up in an hour. It takes it own pace, kind of like living in New Orleans does. Anyways..not sure about now (post-Katrina), but pre-Katrina...you could go to a restaurant or a hole in the wall mom and pop place and their Monday special would be red beans and rice with sausage and cornbread.

I adopted this tradition after I was married to my second husband. It was great and even though there is no way I could let my laundry sit for a week at a time...I would do this on Mondays. Well, it has been awhile since we have done this...one being that beans other than Camilla beans...just seem not to work and now that I have a stock pile of them after a recent trip to New Orleans...the tradition is once again starting. So next Monday and every Monday here on out...we will be having red beans and rice with sausage.

I remember cooking this for several functions, especially church functions. I remember several people asking me for a recipe and me not being able to produce one because you just "eye it." I remember going over to one sister's house, Jenny Dahl, and "teaching" her how to cook my red beans. I remember her telling me that they came out close to mine and I was ecstatic that someone, who was only in New Orleans for a brief time while their husband was in medical school, would be able to leave New Orleans with a little bit of history and a little bit of what makes New Orleans, well New Orleans. I am wondering if that sister still makes red beans and rice???

I miss my city..my comfort zone...I was scared to leave and as Ignatius J. Reilly from A Confederacy of Dunces said, "Leaving New Orleans also frightened me considerably. Outside of the city limits the heart of darkness, the true wasteland begins." Gosh how true this is. I remember driving west and thinking, "Is this how the pioneers felt?" (That is so another blog!!!)

As I make my home in San Antonio....I will implement every little bit of New Orleans that I can. I will make my New Orleans here in San Antonio, which is also another great place with so much history and little things that makes San Antonio, well San Antonio. I prayed about where to leave and HF knew my heart and sent me here. I am so grateful that I walked by faith and not by sight. For one...I am not too far from my 1st love.....New Orleans.

Until next post,

Always Susan :0)~

Tradition #1 - Lowes Build-to-Grow Workshop

This is something that was started when we moved here to San Antonio in June of 2006. We do this every month. It is usually held on the 2nd Saturday of the month and the children have so much fun. They get to build something, receive a patch, a certificate, and of course a job well done from the person over it at the Lowes by our house.

We have missed a couple of them, once because mom did not write it down, another time due to just plan of forgetting about it, and another time because Austin had to go to the ER the night before one and we all voted to just sleep in.!!!!!

They have made a desk organizer for pens, paperclips and such, a race car, a birdhouse, and a fire truck. We cannot wait for it to start back up this month and have a goal of trying to make everyone...even if we are out of town. We made it to the Lowes in Harvey in October, a day after arriving in New Orleans, and we made fire trucks with our cousins. We had so much fun and as soon as mom gets the other camera and loads the pictures...you will see how much fun....1 mom and 5 children.

If you have not done this with your children, nieces or nephews....etc. you should...take pictures..tons of them, it is something that they will treasure forever.

Always Susan :0)~
No More and No Less

New Year...New Traditions, some old and some not yet born

This is my attempt to keep a journal. I have tried to do it on paper, but it seems that I spend most of my time on here and that it is easier for me to sit down and type it rather than sit down and write it.

This is something that is important to me and have had some great distress over the fact that I have not been able to jot down the things that happen in my family's life on a day to day basis..so here I go.

Today is the first day of the New Year - 2007. I spent most of the day with my sons at home resting and watching movies. This is the second year in a row that I have not had my daughter with me due to her being with her father in New Orleans. It seems weird not having her here, like you cannot celebrate the New Year until she comes home, which is in two days. At that time, we will have the tradition of eating black eye peas, cabbage, and corn bread.

This year I have so much I want to accomplish in my life and my children's lives and with them. First and foremost, you could say that I am a trend setter. I follow no one and am so non-conformist. I do what makes me and my children happy, not what others would want us to do because they just cannot fathom their lives the way I live mine. So with that said and done...here is to a year of traditions whether it is bringing old ones back, starting new ones, or just continuing old ones.

If you have any traditions that you and your family do, by all means post them, but fair warning...they might just become a tradition of ours!!!!!!

Always Susan :0)~
No More and No Less

Original first post on Blogger - dated 09/17/2006 - Initial reason(s) for starting this......

Okay, finally after throwing this idea around for the past, ummm, four weeks I have finally decided to do this. I seem to spend more time at the computer (work, lesson planning for children and personal study, and just plan entertainment) and not a lot of time where I can actually sit down and journal.

About three weeks ago, we had a sister who gave a talk about journaling, preserving memories, and such (1st subtle nudge from HF), and since then is seems that there are so many things that have happened and are happening, that I am saying to myself, I need to write this down because I so do not want to forget this (2nd not so subtle nudge) and thirdly, these incidences are happening ALL THE TIME, while the nudging is becoming a very hard PUSH. So, after today and the talk on Faith...I have decided to begin this.

One sister said that even the littlest things that you might think are insignificant, i.e. what you ate, what you wore, how your day went, etc., was one of her most cherished things.

I am also doing this for my children. I want them to emulate me and grow a love a journaling, at the same time I do, which each of them will eventually have their own page and contributing to that page.

So please enjoy, comment, and contribute if you have that prompting and also, as my title says, you can count on one thing from this and that is for me to be Always Susan, no more and no less. Don't we all deserve to be who we are down to the very core?

Until next post,

Always Susan :0)~

As you can tell...the nudging has not stopped..so with the New Year..this is one of my goals that I have set. To blog, "journal" every day as to not to miss those little things that makes my life what it is.......GREAT!!!