"You are doing the right thing from what I saw"

This is what I heard from the officer who served "him" the restraining order as I crossed the Mississippi River on the Gretna ferry.  Not that I needed that confirmation, but wanted to know why he was saying that?

See I had to do ALL the work for my restraining order.  Yep, I had to walk it through the courts.  I will never, EVER forget that.  I remember!  I remember meeting the attorney at the women's shelter and telling her the information as she entered it into the template into the computer.  I remember the ugly, gross, and validity of the threats that he made to me just two weeks and a month prior.

I remember the first time he said it, "I could kill you and there is nothing you could do to stop me."  Nothing like getting sucker punched by the air leaving your chest?  I remember.  I remember coming home from the hospital where I went because I was bleeding.  I remember the staff at the ER trying to make sure the baby was all right. I remember how mad he was at me that I did not demand that he be there.  I remember telling me that it was out of my hands.  I remember the charge nurse coming in and telling me how he acted.  She was concerned for us.  She was concerned for our safety.  I remember his look.  I remember how I felt.

I remember telling him I was sorry, but in reality I could not understand what I was sorry for.  This seemed to help.  We were discharged and told to take it easy as I could lose the baby.  We were both told.  I mean after all he wanted this.  He ignored me telling him that I would get pregnant.  See for so many years after Zachary he told me he wanted to wait to have another one.  Finally, I accepted that and was accepted into a dual program at a local college into the BSN/Psychology program.  I was accepting life with just two children and BAM! He was finally ready.  So why would he not head the advice of the doctor.

I remember arriving home to our little cottage.  I remember putting the kids to bed.  I remember us going to bed thinking just a little bit longer and I will be out of the danger zone.  Then he started again.  I pleaded with him.  I told him again I had no idea that they would not have let him up.  I told him that I do not remember the phone ringing while we were doing the ultrasound.  Really, I did not.  Then that is when he wanted to have sex.  I pleaded with him, begged him to not because I was afraid of losing the baby.  That is when he put his hands around my neck, looked at me, and told me he would take away what he gave him and he could kill me right then and there and there would be nothing I could do about it.  And.......you know what? He was right and I felt this come from him through his arms, through his arms, through his fingers to my neck and straight to my heart.

I remember looking at him and just gasping for air.  I remember his hands slowly coming lose and me just losing it.  I remember him not finishing.  I remember laying there, back to him, while he went to sleep.  I remember scared as hell.  I remember laying there crying so quietly as not to wake him.  Not to wake the children.  I remember him getting up to go to work.  I remember him saying he loved me as he walked out the door.

I remember going through my day robotically and taking care of the children.  I remember!  I remember him coming home.  God, I am such not a good actress.  He saw me.  He saw what he did to me.  He was so apologetic.  Kissing me.  Fixing dinner.  Bathing the children.  Loving me.  Telling me he was so sorry over and over.  Telling me he is just so scared.  Telling me that when I get pregnant I forget about him and concentrate solely on the pregnancy and the baby.  I remember breaking down. Saying, "You do not tell people that like you say hello."  Telling him that I just wanted to make sure that the baby was healthy and I did not mean to ignore him if I did.  I remember.  I remember being so confused.  I remember feeling like I was in this bubble and screaming for help and NO ONE hearing me.  I remember feeling helpless because I did not have my family.  I shamed them by marrying a black man and having children with him.  I remember feeling I have to make the best of this situation because he is MY HUSBAND.

I remember it was Mardi Gras season.  I remember that two weeks had passed since he had told me.  I remember it still cut as deep as it did the first time I heard it.  I remembered looking at him, our life, my life, and wondering is this what I have ended up like?  There has to be better?  Things have to get better?  Then it happened again.  We got into it because my sister wanted to see me, the kids, and bring some things over that she had bought for me.  I remember him acting like the biggest ass.  I remember the things he said.  I remember how I could not believe he was acting this way.  I mean NONE of MY FAMILY EVER came around.  I remember his accusations and how SICK they were.  I mean that was my sister!!  I remember him pushing me against the bookshelf, again, his hand around my neck and his other hand by our baby.  I remember him telling me, "I am going to kill you!"  I remember doing what I needed to do in order for him to stop. I remember,

I remember him leaving the next morning for work.  I remember calling the woman's shelter around the corner and speaking to someone.  I remember Alaine telling me that I had what I needed for a restraining order.  That I could come to the shelter with the kids.  That I could be safe.  Or that I could get a restraining order and he would be forced to leave.  I remember telling her I would think it over.  I remember her telling me how long I had before the time expired to get a restraining order.  I remember feeling like I should not have to be making this decision.  I remember feeling so alone, so lost, and so overwhelmed.

You could say things deteriorated quickly and I made the decision.  I had everything planned.  He goes to work and off to the shelter I went.  Filling out the application with all the juicy details.  Remembering.  Telling myself that if I wanted this then I had to work for it.  I remember heading off to the courthouse across the river.  I remember walking it through. I remember the clerks, some assholes and some not.  I remember the judges, some out to lunch, some that could not and those who did sign it.  I remember walking out of there feeling like, "Okay, you did it!"  I remember that I better clean up before I went home because he would be able to tell I was crying.  He KNEW everything about me!  He would ask questions and I am a terrible liar.

I remember following what I was told.  Go home and wait for him to come home.  When he gets home call the police and tell them to serve the restraining order.  I remember something told me, "No, go to the gas station."  So I proceed to go to the gas station.  Waited for the police to arrive.  They arrive..okay..you can do this.  I tell them what I was told and they tell me that they do not serve restraining orders that the Service Department does that.  What?  You are fucking kidding me?  You mean that if I would have listened to what they told me at the shelter I would have made my situation worse?

I remember them telling me.."Why do you not just leave?"  I told them, "It is not that easy."  I remember telling me he is going to kill me.  See to them the solution was easy, but their solution is not easy for those in domestic violence situations where it has turned lethal.  I remember being so upset that I hit a guy walking in the parking lot with my side mirror.  I remember checking to make sure he was all right.  I even offered him $100.00, but he refused.  See he had been blowing my phone up.  He arrived home and I was not there.

I finally answered and told him I was coming from the McDonald's on Vets and would be home as soon as I got there.  I remember my stomach starting to hurt.  I remember trying to keep it together for my children in the back and the one inside of me.  I remember having to make sure I came from the direction that I would be if I was REALLY coming home from McDonald's just in case he was out looking for me.  I remember coming around the curve and there he was coming to look for us!  I remember.

I remember having to hide that restraining order.  I remember being so scared.  I remember that I was "Sleeping with the Enemy."  I remember that was a long evening and night!  I remember not remembering much of anything from that night..I was disconnected.  I remember night turning to light.  I remember him leaving and us leaving not long after he called to say he was at work.  I remember going over to the Sheriff's office.  I remember talking to the 2nd in charge.  I remember him, at first, not taking me seriously.  Then the phone rang.  I remember telling him it was him.  I remember missing the call.  I remember the officer telling me to answer his call when he called back.  I remember telling "him", "No, I am not cheating on you.  I am some place with the kids.  Why are you accusing me all the time.  Yes, I love you.  Yes, I remember."

I got off the phone and lost it.  This is when the officer called his in-charge on the Eastbank and told him to go and serve the restraining order and make sure "he" understood that he was to stay away. I remember him telling me to go home and take care of us.  I remember that I was too emotional to take that skinny bridge known as the Huey P. Long, so I would take the ferry. I remember my phone rang again and remembering almost not answering it.  I remember answering it.  I remember the officer telling me he was served and if I needed anything to call 9-1-1 or to call him.  Then he says, "Mrs. Conner?" Me, "Yes sir." Him, "You did the right thing from what I saw when I served him."  Me, "I did?"  Him, "Yes, Mrs. Conner...please stay safe."

I remember arriving home. I remember showing the office the restraining order. I remember them saying that they might not be able to change the locks.  I remember them saying that they might have to give my husband a key if he requested one.  I remember her saying she needed to call the head office.  I remember her getting off of the phone and her telling me that they could change the locks! They did not have to give him a key!  I remember feeling safe.  I remember following the guy to the cottage and watching the locks get changed!!  I remember.

I remember getting rid of everything that reminded me of him on me.  I remember scrubbing my body.  I remember music back in my house.  I remember the TV out.  I remember just being who I wanted to be with my children and not being accused of ignoring "him."  I remember.  I remember laughing.  I remember crying.  I remember being nervous he would come back.  I remember jumping when the phone range.  I remember losing my breath again.  I remember it all!  I remember answering it.  I remember it being our President of our Church branch.  I remember his calm voice.  I remember him asking if he could come and get my husband's things.  I remember him telling me that my husband just wanted certain things.  I remember listening closely.  I remember thinking..he is really going to just go like that??  No way.  I remember thinking that at least he had contacted our President and he was involved now.  But, I remember still being on edge.

I remember going through the house and getting his things together. I remember not much had to be done because I had already started.  I remember picking up the manilla folders he wanted and wanted to know why he wanted those.  I began to look through them and saw where he had received our income tax refund.  Remember, the one he lied about?  Remember?  Remember anger coming in?  Remember counting the money?  Remember the amount?  How dare him?  Remember you took half the money because that was the right thing to do.  Remember how you felt that rent and bills could be paid?  Remember.

Remember the knock at the door?  Remember being comforted?  Remember handing over "his" things?  Remember closing the door?  Remember that you now had money to go and get diapers and things you needed for the kids?  Remember going to Wal-Mart and passing the President and "him" in the parking lot?  Remember that you got out of there like a bat out of hell?  Remember you felt scared again?  Remember you felt this was too easy?  Remember?

Remember you went and got what you needed and some extras?  You remember you got Strawberry Shortcake and Bob the Builder DVDs?  You remember you popped popcorn and curled up on the bed with the kids?  You remember you were trying to make them feel safe while all the while you were scared?  Remember you were you hypervigilant?  Remember you heard EVERY. SINGLE. NOISE?  Remember you checked EVERY. SINGLE. WINDOW. HUNDREDS OF TIMES?  Remember you put the table in front of the door?  Remember?  Yep, but do not remember falling asleep.

I REMEMBER, BOY DO I REMEMBER

Well, here I am again after such a long hiatus!!   What brings me here, you ask?  Nothing but good ole PTSD and let me tell you it is nothing nice.  You ask how did I come to have this?  I acquired this, if you want to look at it that way, after going through a domestic attempted murder 7 years ago this March.

I never really realized that is what I had, I just thought what I was going through was what my mind and body were suppose to go through.  I remember being terrified and scared.  I remember waking up to my mother-in-law standing at the foot of my bed.  I remember trying to call the nurse, them coming over the intercom saying, "Nurses station, How can I help you?" and me not being able to answer them because I had a trach.  I remember being terrified that my husband would show up and finish what he started.  I remember feeling and having so much anxiety because you see I was 4-1/2 months pregnant with Austin when all of this happened and while my life was important in saving, so was his.

I remember having to re-learn how to walk and breath on my own.  I remember going up the stairs in physical therapy, but could not come down for them for the life of me. I remember everyone coming to my hospital room like I was some Virgin Mary sighting because somehow the whole hospital knew about me!  I remember not knowing how to respond to them.  I mean come on, nothing special..this was my life, right?

I remember ICU.  I remember those who were there, those who were not.  I remember the police outside my door.  I remember, boy do I remember.  I remember when they came to me and told me they caught him.  I remember it was right before they brought me to surgery.  I remember more than I care to remember, but I know that I have to remember because this cannot keep happening.

I remember leaving the hospital.  I remember going to a safe house.  I remember being scared out of my mind.  I remember mustering up everything in me to go through the door to get to the bathroom. I remember seeing myself for the first time since before.  I remember the marks.  I remember the stitches.  I remember.  I remember counting the marks on my breasts, my shoulders, my face, my arms, and my legs.  I remember the look in his eyes.  I remembered it all!

I remember forcing myself to eat, to take my medicine, to go the doctor, the police, the detectives coming over and asking the same questions over and over.  Was the crime scene pictures not enough? was my current physical state not enough?  I remember the DA's office.  I remember the ADA.  I remember their attitudes and how I felt after meeting with them.  I remember being all by myself. I remember being stuck. FOR. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.  I remember the jail.  I remember the prisoners in orange wondering what he was doing. What was going through his mind.  Did he care?  Did he feel remorse for what he did?  Did he see this as a fight for him? Did he not think of the baby, our baby, now my baby, when he tried to kill me/us?

I remember going to court for the first time. I remember my feelings as the line of prisoners on the chain walked in.  I remember holding on and getting ready to run.  I remember how I felt when he was not there.  I remember sitting back not so ready while everything happened.

I remembered 04/01/2004. Was this going to be my April's Fool or his?  I remembered how this was his last chance at trying to get out.  I remembered NO ONE in his family calling.  I remembered how they helped him get away knowing what he did to us.   They had to see him just covered in my blood! The car! What went through their minds as they cleaned him up and put him on that bus to Galveston.  I remembered Jay calling me and telling me obviously his lawyer and family had no clue what he did and to what extent.  I remember Jay's voice and how he sounded while he said, "Susan, I sat there is disbelief.  How could one expect to have him release to their custody after everything?"  I remembered his mom saying she had a job lined up at Home Depot for him. I remembered how I felt that they wanted him released until trial.  I remember wanting to run, flee, and get away.   I remembered Jay telling me that he told them why he should not be released.  He told them,  "Does Home Depot not have hammers?" and even after all of this, NOTHING!  They blamed me for what their son/brother did. I was the bitch.  I was the white bitch who took a brotha down!  I was the enemy!  I remember.

I remembered calling the jail several times a day for weeks after that.  The person, on shift at the time, knew my voice.  Jaw wired shut, I still found the strength to give them his CID# and name.  I remember feeling embarrassed about calling and calling the VINE # over and over.  I remember rechecking that I entered my phone number over and over to make sure VINE had my number correct, so if he escaped or anything, the system would call me.  I remember.  I remember Detective Zanotelli coming to the house to check on me and the kids.  I remember not wanting him to leave, EVER!  I remember, dammit!

I remembered seeing her, his attorney, Susan, for the first time.  I remembered thinking how could she represent someone who did this, especially another women? I remembered thinking, "What a stupid bitch!"  Then I saw him.  For the first time since March of 2004.  I remembered he would not look me in the face. He would not look at me in the eyes.  I wanted to go off on him.  Wale on him, like he did to us that day in March because he could not fight back, see he was in handcuffs.  I wanted him to feel what I felt.  I wanted all of what was in me to be transferred to him because I did not want this anymore.  I wanted to get on with my life and act like this never happened, but I COULD NOT.

I was so raw.  The scab never forming over the wound.  I had to protect us like the scab.  I was so mad!  Listening to the 9-1-1 call, his voice, saying, "I think I killed my wife.  There is blood everywhere."  He did this while at the Winn Dixie at the head of our street.  Watching as the ambulance, police, and fire department passed him to go to his pregnant wife.  And then he left, ran from New Orleans.  How? Why? Did you do that?  Looking at him for some emotion, something, but NOTHING!  He just held his head down.

When asked if he was abusive before, I looked at Jay for direction.  See I was told I could not talk about anything prior to March 4, 2004.  They did not ever think she would bring it up herself, she as in his attorney. I said yes.  I remember more questions, more questions, same ones, and I remembered making her work for the money that HIS family stole from us while I was in the hospital.  I figured I would use it all up! I remember looking at Jay to save me....thinking and obviously my face said it, "I am going to kill this bitch! Stupid pink hair dumb-ass."  Then the judge tells her, "I think she has answered your question. Ummm (looking up), how did she put it? "He was just being Randy."  Yes, the pompous ass was on my side!

I remember walking past him after all of this, him silent, had not said a word, and head still down.  I remembered a wave of pity and feeling sorry coming over me for him.  I was leaving and he was staying. Going back across the street to be told how to do everything.  When to sleep. When to shower. When to eat.  When to piss.  When to shit.  But, I was leaving to go and get MY baby, not his, not our, but MY baby and to hold on him and love on him until I was ready to let go.  My voice was finally heard by him without him interrupting. Without him leaving.  Without him hitting.  Without him criticizing.  To be vindicated that way never felt so good.  To feel like some control was back was so empowering. Yep, ole Susan was on the mend and coming back, but this time better and this time having to learn new things about myself, my children, and my life.

I remember. Yeah, how do I remember.  How BRIGHT the sun was that afternoon.  Was it not going to rain just a couple hours before?  Was the sky not gloomy?  Was the Earth not just black and white?  It might have been, but right then there it was so bright!  Life looked so good.  I remember!  I remember a little pep in my step!   I remember feeling Jay's arm around me and hugging me...I felt it this time!  I could feel a little!  I was not so numb.  I remember feeling my Savior's arm around me and it felt so good.  I remember feeling so empowered.  I just remembered.

I remembered going to Tricia's different.  Not the same person who I was that morning when I handed off my bundle of joy to go and fight against the person who should have protected us. But, hey that is okay...because that is what that day was for and little did I know.  It was for me to take over and protect us from here on out.  Yeah, I remember.

I remember coming to love the scars.  On my face. On my head.  On my throat.  On my hands.  I remember and WILL NEVER FORGET!  I remember because someone has to.

~Always Susan~

Pushing

I feel like he is pushing me away. For some time now, we have only been talking every two days or so. Sometimes it goes more and it hurts. He says it is deliberate and I would only hope to think that it is a good reason, but it still does not make me feel any better. I am pulling away from him and I can feel it. So if I can feel it, I know that he can feel it also.

This is the last thing that I want to happen. I do not want to pull away from him, but the space he is giving me is just not good. I go through the day not realizing we have not talked until it gets to the time that we usually talk and then I realize that he is not texting or calling. Why? That I have no clue at all.

I feel that I need to prepare myself for what might happen and that is him and I will not be together any more than what we are right now. Why do I feel that I am in the same place I was almost a year ago? I know he will not fight for me and by fight I mean with himself. He will just allow what happens to happen, and I have to be ready for that. He needs to be ready for that because once I close mysefl off I will not be able to open back up to him. He is hurting me whether he means to or not. He is hurting me bad.

I am still alone, and not in a bad way, but I think that it is even worse to have someone and realy not have them. Will he ever get that divorce? Part of me, a bif part of me, feels that he will not and to me that saddens me because I know that I can not be with him as long as he is married.

I am relieved that the children do not know that I am talking to him again. It would just crush them like it did the first time. They were calling him Dad and actually allowing them into their lives and when we were no more...I had to pick up the pieces.

Please do not push me too far away or too hard at once because I might not come back.

<3 Susan

There are certain people, that I know I can trust, that I want to call and tell them, but then I do not. I want to keep him all to myself, but I also want to call Karen or even Trish and scream it from the rooftops!!!

Susan, if and that is a BIG IF, Ron and you get back together....you need to be very careful of who you tell. You have been able to keep, for the most part, everything to yourself up until now and do not start with this. The relationship, if one happens, is going to be more fragile or just as fragile as a newborn baby. It is going to need to be nurtured and loved and needs to grow strong before others are allowed to know because you and him need to get strong again with each other.

Gosh..I want to call him!! I want to pick the phone up and see how he is doing, what he is doing, and talk to him all day. I took work off because I just cannot handle it right now. I need to re-group my life and I need to prepare for this week because I did not this week at all. I need to get my planner going and I need to continue on with life as like I never called him.

I love him and he knows that. He is here and he is going to call me tonight, which is a good sign. I feel like I have him, but not like I want but I cannot rush this because I need to re-water it and re-plenish it just like the potted plants that the boys gave me. I need to be patient and love him and if things will be what I want, and hopefully he wants...it will come with time. But gosh I love him!!!!! I want to hear his voice, his laugh, telling me to bite him, and everything that the smart ass can tell me.

Getting back into the swing of things

Last night, I finally gave in and said, "What the hell. What do I have to lose?" Actually, nothing that is not already lost. What I mean is him. The man that I love. The man that I wanted last year and still want now. Do I think that I will have him again? Really, I do not know. I disappointed him by doing what I did, but I really believe that we both made mistakes that now, a year later, we are able to sit back and 'see'.

While my choices are far more to swallow then his..the situation is still what it is. I was really not surprised that he responded to my text, but then at the same time..I felt like the time between us has not made that much of a difference. He is guarded, but when was he not. It seems like he is headed in a completely different direction than I am, but that is something that I will live with.

Did I expect him to tell me he loved me last night? Yes and no. I feel in a way he did. He called me baby at one point and I melted. He still has my heart. After everything he still has my heart. He says that he is not depressed, but he feels like he needs someone to love to lift him up because he does it so good and that he is correct about. He loved me like no one ever did and probably ever would.

Nothing has changed much with him 10 months later. He is still not working, still thinking about what is next move will be, and pretty much still same ole same.

He told me that if he would have come here then the situation I am in right now would not have been too much different, meaning Autumn and I told him that I wanted this baby, the last baby, to be from him. I wanted to be looking down and seeing a little combination of him and I. Do not get me, I love Autumn and would not change anything about her for the world, but I did want and still do want him.

While we were talking, he said that I must looking for closure. I corrected him and told him I do not want closure when it comes to him, us..I had no plans in telling him that I love him, that I want him, I want us, but I did and I hope he believed me. I know what I did, by contacting him, has probably sent his eyebrows into a permanent lift. I have probably thrown him for a loop, just a little bit.

I felt, or maybe I wanted to feel it, like he was going to say that he loved me also. I wanted him so bad to tell me. I wanted to know that the love we had last year and that I still had for him was forgiving and strong enough to overcome this. I really want for that to be reality, but if it is not..I will continue doing like I am and will still be who I am.

I told him that I had to really apologize to the children because I was trying so hard to give them what they wanted and needed. I felt that by giving them him, it would correct everything that happened because of Randy. That Courtney would feel a father's love and the things that therapy could not fix, that father figure would fix. That Zachary would feel like nothing was wrong with him because his father was not involved, that my lil boy would feel whole and complete again. And most of all, I would feel that everything that I have been through was all worth it because to me...I finally won. I was too selfish and inpatient to see that and wanted what I wanted and ended up making a decision that cost me all that.

I am not the person I was last year. I feel like I have grown up a lot, more, and that the situations we go through, for whatever reason, shape us into we are. While I do not need a man to make me who I am..I want someone who is there and when that happens....I will be prepared because as each day goes on..I become more and more ME.

If him and I do become we again, I will let him love me as he will love me. I will just go with the flow and take it as I go because I need to remember that before I contacted him last night, I was Just Fine.

Ron, I love you so much. I want to feel what I felt last year. I am happy right now and will continue to be happy, but I want to share that with you. I want to share my life, kids and all with you. If not, at least I know that I gave it my all at this time in my life and what was inside of me.

He asked if he could call me tonight, after the children go to bed, 10 o'clock my time because he did not want them to know that we were talking on the phone and ruin the damage control.

I can say that I was relieved when he said that he did not get his computer fixed for a reason. I was relieved and happy to know that he is by himself right now, but it also stung when he said that he loved me. But that is what happens when you do what I did.

Until later...................I love you Ron right here and right now.

How to Make Holiday Luminaries | eHow.com

How to Make Holiday Luminaries eHow.com

This is something that I want to be part of our traditions that we do for 2010.....I think this look so cool!!!!!!!

Mallorie

I was taken pictures of the loot that I had purchased off of Craigslist and had to take these pictures of my lil Mamu, Moose, Magoo, Ms. Poose (s/l goose only with a "P", MMMK (triple M then K), Malamu, Malibu, and so on..... I just love how she is smiling now for the camera more and more.

I love her little curly locks and her sweet innocence. She is my tender heart. Whenever I am, or anyone for that fact, is feeling sad and such..she will come up and kiss you and hug you.

She is worse than my little shadow. I can go no where without her and believe me she lets whoever has her know that she just loves her Momma and wants her, but she will go off away from me when she knows that I am in sight of her.

It is amazing how much joy she has brought to this family and how her little personality fits in with the rest of us.

Sometimes I am sad to think about how much her father is missing by choosing not to be in her life. I cannot imagine what it is like to know that you have a child, a daughter, your only daughter, only child out there and you CHOOSE to not be apart of her life. I really pray that one day he realizes this before it is too late, but until then...I will eat her up as much as I can.

I love you Mallorie...... Mum (as you say it).

$5.00 Craigslist Loot

Okay.....I am so happy and proud of my recent acquisition from Craigslist. I was searching in the Free Section, the Baby section for a highchair for Mamu, Activities section, and finally ending up going to the Arts and Craft's section because sometimes you can find some pretty good deals.Well..I saw this ad for a Art Supplies for $5.00 and of course I had to call and see where they were located because sometimes it is a good deal on Craigslist, but not for you depending on where you are located in reference to where the item(s) is located. So when I called and she gave me the address and I MapQuest it and saw it was not far from me at all.. I asked if it was too late (6:30) and told her I was on my way.

So we get there in under 10 minutes and when I went to the door and she stacked all of these containers up and I said, "Just want to make sure...$5.00 for all?" She said, "Yes." I told her thank you because with my children we go through this stuff so much. She said thank you and the boys (my two and one of hers) brought them to the van.

We came home and started going through everything. It was like Christmas in November. They had stamps, rolling stamps, markers that were stamps, and stamp pads. They had pens and more pens. They had colored pencils. Crayons galore. Markers, regular. Pencils. Glue. Water colors. Notecards. Highlighters (Zachary too a pink one and Courtney a green one, even though she can only use yellow at school).They had 2 cute pends that had a little fuzzy head on it with sunglasses on and it says. "Be cool! Call 9-1-1 only for Emergencies!"So needless to say..I have not found my highchair YET, but I did come across something that was so worth more than $5.00!!!!!

Austin's 2009 AHFSH Soccer Team

This is Austin's soccer team from this past season. We had our last game this past Sautrday, November 7, 2009. I can honestly say that this is the BEST team we have EVER participated in. The parents were so supporting and the boys and girl were such a joy to watch and see them interact. They just got out there and played, which was a fresh of breath air. We will definitely be playing with this league over and over again.

Making momma proud!!

Not sure what the bathroom has for me, but Austin just came out to me, while sitting here at my desk, asking where is "the white long thing that goes in the bathroom while making hand gestures from small to long (to illustrate what he was talking about). I told him that it is right here, but the bathroom needs to be mopped.

I cannot believe it...the master of mass destruction. The one who goes and mixes and does all kind of things that (at least my mind does not or has not) only his mind has come up with.
Let me go find the blue Pine Sol (smells really good) or may just good ole bleach because we have been sick for the past month with various things or another...and mop the bathroom (my mop bucket the background and this was not staged!!!) I have to jump on this while I can!!!!

Mallorie asleep

The other day I just completely passed out (as I have been doing a lot lately, especially with this little girl inside of me). When I went to sleep it was me, my favorite pillow, my body pillow, my other body pillow (Mallorie), and three regular size pillows with one of my favorite quilts, so off to bed I went. I woke up in a panic and had to get Mallorie back on the bed...ahhh back to sleep. Then I felt her getting off the bed, so back on the bed I had to get her.

Well, I woke up and in a panic was not even the word to describe how I was feeling. I woke up to hearing a little girl outside talking (or screaming and incoherent speech that they do at 18 months). I jumped up and looked outside...okay back gate is closed, so she is not outside...the back door does not completely close unless you close it yourself and the other littles do not always, if ever, completely close it, so Mallorie can open it just with a push open. So I was very excited that she had not gotten in the backyard (it was the neighbors 18-month-old granddaughter who was making the conversation).

I looked on the side of my bed..no Mallorie..on the floor in the my room..in the hallway..in the boy's room..in Courtney's room...in the kitchen...in the laundry room..in the living room...in the bathroom...in the closet....in the boy's closet....NOPE NO MALLORIE anywhere. I am freaking out at this point!! The front door is locked, so she could not have gotten out the front door.

I went into the dining room to get to the living room because she had to be in there...she was no where else. well as I walked around the table..there she is...hanging off the chair with her legs dangling. I wish I would have thought to get the camera, but I was worried about her falling off and hitting her head, so I gently moved her from the chair to the pillow on the floor where she continued to sleep.

Let me tell you, if I can survive everything that she has to give me and then her and her little sister, I will be eternally happy!!!! Especially since Mallorie and her little sister will be either 21 or 22 months apart!!!!!

Vacuuming

These past couple of days that is all I have been doing (at least I feel that way). When one mess happens and is cleaned up..another one pops up. Whether it is from crums from the sandwich to cereal to a diaper that was pushed beyond its limits....these are some of the messes that I have been vacuuming up.

I am grateful that I purchased the wet/dry vac because in a house with 4, soon to be 5, littles a regular vacuum just will not do with all the creations that they can render up!!!!

Maybe I should list my occupation as professional vacuum engineer?

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Closing the Chapter on Jeff

It is funny how when you put down to paper (or computer) what your current trial is how you can gain strength from just "letting it go" and the decision becomes easier and the situation becomes clearer. The other day, I journaled about Jeff and how there were things that were between us, which were fine and dandy, but for him it meant certain things happening and for me it meant that certain things could not happen, but if I was to continue there was a HUGE possibility that they would and then I would be back to square one and might have sacrificed everything that was is the foundation for which I stand and raise my children on. Today, while driving the subject about Chasity and being chaste. I pulled out my handy dandy True to the Faith book (gosh I LOVE this book!!!) and starting reading out of it to children after explaining certain things to them. As I was reading, I new that taking Jeff's number out of my phone and saying I was not going to answer his calls was the best action. There is a section under the topic of Chasity that is Decide now to be chaste. In the section, it states, "You need to make this decision only once. Make the decision now, before the temptation comes, and let your decision be so firm and with such deep commitment that it can never be shaken. Determine now that you will never do anything outside of marriage to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not arouse those emotions in another person's body or in your own body. Determine now that you will be completely true to your spouse."

Now while some of those do not apply to me, such as my spouse, the majority of this section did. I made the decision, but the temptation has been there and I want to thank my Heavenly Father for given me the strength or the roadblocks that happened there, so that nothing did happen between Jeff and I. I made the decision several times, but I guess until I made the decision really, which was by taking his number out of my phone and such, the decision had not been made. I have made up my mind that I WILL NOT do anything again until I am married and also in a marriage that is recognized by the Church, not a common-law marriage as with Steven (so another post).

I felt so good when I was reading the section in the book about Chasity to the children that I indeed made the right decision. It was a like a ah-ha moment and a confirmation that I was on the right path, the straight and narrow. I was reading this and thinking why did I not read this yesterday, but see in fact I had already read it several times, but this time it stood out to me more and I know it is because I first had to make the decision to not do it and pray for Heavenly Father's help, and that today was part of the help that I was seeking.

I pray that Heavenly Father be there with me throughout this area of my life. That is continues to give me the strength to do his will and what is right. I am thankful for the gospel and my membership in it, as well as for the people who have been there for me in such a non-judgemental way. I am grateful for the sacrifice and Atonement of Jesus and that I am able to be forgiven for my sins, if I truly repent. I am also grateful for a Father in Heaven that knows us so well. He knows what is in my heart and what I have tried so unsuccessfully to accomplish because I was doing it my way and not his way. I am grateful that he has never turned his back on me and has been waiting there all this time for me to come and say, "Okay, it is not about when I want it and ready, but when you feel that I am ready. Got it!" I am grateful for the temples that we have here on earth and for the path I am on, so that I can one day be worthy to enter the temple and make those covenants and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen.

I mean look at it (San Antonio Temple), do you not want to go there? I mean, I do and I will do what I need to do to become worthy to enter the Temple!!!!

Talk on Personal Journals

For those who do not know, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been a member for 10 years now and I am grateful for our leaders that we have had and will have. I am grateful for the guidance and counsel that has been given to us because of their obedience and willingness to serve the Lord.

I was going through True to the Faith book today and was trying to find something on Journaling and I could not, so I came to the next best thing and that was our church's web page at http://www.lds.org/ (you should give it a try!!!) and searched journaling. The first article that came up was from President Kimball and I know that I explained what this blog meant to me in the previous post...this also pretty much sums it up and more.

Spencer W. Kimball, “President Kimball Speaks Out on Personal Journals,” New Era, Dec 1980, 26

His journal was 33 black binders on the shelves of his personal study when President Spencer W. Kimball was called to be President of the Church in 1973. Since then, he has frequently counseled and exhorted members of the Church to keep personal journals.

On a number of occasions I have encouraged the Saints to keep personal journals and family records. I renew that admonition. We may think there is little of interest or importance in what we personally say or do—but it is remarkable how many of our families, as we pass on down the line, are interested in all that we do and all that we say.


Any Latter-day Saint family that has searched genealogical and historical records has fervently wished its ancestors had kept better and more complete records. On the other hand, some families possess some spiritual treasures because ancestors have recorded the events surrounding their conversion to the gospel and other happenings of interest, including many miraculous blessings and spiritual experiences. People often use the excuse that their lives are uneventful and nobody would be interested in what they have done. But I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to your families, to your children, your grandchildren, and others, on through the generations. Each of us is important to those who are near and dear to us—and as our posterity read of our life’s experiences, they, too, will come to know and love us. And in that glorious day when our families are together in the eternities, we will already be acquainted.

Would every family, as they now hold their home evenings, train their children from young childhood to keep a journal of the important activities of their lives, certainly by the time they begin to leave home for schooling and missions?


From time immemorial the Lord has counseled us to be a record-keeping people. Abraham had a book of remembrance, and Adam had one. You may think of them as not being as highly educated as we are, but they were well-trained people. Adam spent much effort being the school teacher for his children. He and Eve taught their sons and daughters. He taught them the gospel in their home evenings, and he taught them reading and writing and arithmetic. And they kept their books of remembrance. How else do you think Moses, many hundreds of years later, got the information? These records had been kept, and he referred to them and got the history of the world, which wasn’t in any library other than that. Can you see your responsibility?

Early in the American life of the family of Lehi, his son Nephi said: “Having had a great knowledge of the goodness and mysteries of God, therefore, I make a record of my proceedings in my days. …


“And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.” (1 Ne. 1:1, 3.) This great record included not only the movements of his people, but his own personal life.

When the Savior visited this continent following his resurrection, he commanded the Nephites and Lamanites to bring their records up to date. He said to them: “Behold, other scriptures I would that ye should write, that ye have not.


“And it came to pass that he said unto Nephi: Bring forth the record which ye have kept.

“And when Nephi had brought forth the records, and laid them before him, he cast his eyes upon them and said:


“Verily I say unto you, I commanded my servant Samuel, the Lamanite, that he should testify unto this people, that at the day that the Father should glorify his name in me that there were many saints who should arise from the dead, and should appear unto many, and should minister unto them. And he said unto them: Was it not so?

“And his disciples answered him and said: Yea, Lord, …


“And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them?

“And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written, … therefore it was written according as he commanded.” (3 Ne. 23:6–13.)


I am glad that it was not I who was reprimanded, even though mildly and kindly, for not having fulfilled the obligation to write the records and keep them up to date.

And again in our day the Lord said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “And again, let all the records be had in order, that they may be put in the archives of my holy temple” (D&C 127:9).


You should continue on in this important work of recording the things you do, the things you say, the things you think, to be in accordance with the instructions of the Lord. Your story should be written now while it is fresh and while the true details are available.

Your private journal should record the way you face up to challenges that beset you. Do not suppose life changes so much that your experiences will not be interesting to your posterity. Experiences of work, relations with people, and an awareness of the rightness and wrongness of actions will always be relevant. Your journal, like most others, will tell of problems as old as the world and how you dealt with them.


Your journal should contain your true self rather than a picture of you when you are “made up” for a public performance. There is a temptation to paint one’s virtues in rich color and whitewash the vices, but there is also the opposite pitfall of accentuating the negative. Personally I have little respect for anyone who delves into the ugly phases of the life he is portraying, whether it be his own or another’s. The truth should be told, but we should not emphasize the negative. Even a long life full of inspiring experiences can be brought to the dust by one ugly story. Why dwell on that one ugly truth about someone whose life has been largely circumspect?

Your journal is your autobiography, so it should be kept carefully. You are unique, and there may be incidents in your experience that are more noble and praiseworthy in their way than those recorded in any other life.


What could you do better for your children and your children’s children than to record the story of your life, your triumphs over adversity, your recovery after a fall, your progress when all seemed black, your rejoicing when you had finally achieved? Some of what you write may be humdrum dates and places, but there will also be rich passages that will be quoted by your posterity.

We hope you will begin as of this date. If you have not already commenced this important duty in your lives, get a good notebook, a good book that will last through time and into eternity for the angels to look upon. Begin today and write in it your goings and your comings, your deeper thoughts, your achievements, and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. We hope you will do this, our brothers and sisters, for this is what the Lord has commanded, and those who keep a personal journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives.

Purpose of this blog and what IT means to ME

For those of you who are scratching your heads and are like, "huh, what is the reason for the blog?", this post will explain it for the most part. Pretty much those of you have known me at different parts of my life, whether from elementary school, high school, college, adult life without children, adult life with children, one of my two marriages, and so on. Some know what I have gone through in my life and others do not know.

So, with that said....this blog is about that journey. From the abuse I experienced growing up, to the abuse in my first marriage, to joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint, to my second marriage, Enrichment counselor, Enrichment leader, Branch Missionaries, the abuse and attempted-murder in my second marriage, to my children, Hurricane Katrina to our exodus to Kaufman and then San Antonio. From the Jefferson Parish DA's office, two trials, Jefferson Parish Correctional Facility to Angola, to Metropolitian Battered Women to Family Violence Prevention, to Children's Advocacy Center to Child Safe, advocating for my rights, my children's right, and those who cannot advocate for themselves and so on.

This journal is about the trials and tribulations that I, myself, have gone through and how the gospel has given me strength to get through it and, in some cases, past it. It is to show my children, the generations to come, and those who read about my life that I too was human just like everyone else and that I also had struggles. It will show the good and the bad of my life, but most of all it will show that no matter what two things remain the same....(1) the Gospel is true and (2) I am Always Susan.

For some time I have been trying to start my journal and have not started for one reason or another. So, just as I tell my children, "When you try, you never accomplish anything. You can say that you are trying to walk out the door, but until you do it..you never walk out that door you just stay on the other side trying." So, instead of tyring..I am just going to DO IT.

There was also the guilt of not having started long ago (11 years ago) and having "lost" all that time. SO instead of just starting from the different points in my life where I have realized this, all that I have done it lost more time. I pray that as I go through things in my life from here on out..that as my memory is jogged, those "times" that were lost and not recorded become less and less.

I feel and know it is time for me to express what make me who I am..what makes me..Always Susan..because even through all of the things that I will talk about on here, discuss, and express...when everything is said and done...I am Always Susan and no one can take that from me. I know a lot of people who have gone through or are going through different things in their lives whether from abuse growing up, sexual abuse, failed marriages, domestic violence, and so on, but for me..I am grateful that, for the most part, I have had the gospel there in my life. I am grateful for the Atonement and what that means to me personally. I am grateful for my Priesthood and the blessings that they can give, even though I do not have my own priesthood holder in my house anymore. I am grateful that the Church has been my family when my family has not been there for one or more reasons. I am grateful for my testimony that I have and the strength of it, because without it, I would not be able to go through what I have been through and be as strong as I am afterwards or during it.

My wish is that through this blog is that you
(1) You start your own journal.
(2) You tap into whatever gives you strength to go through what you have and/or will.
(3) You evolve from the victim to the survivor and lead the most productive life that you know how. I wish for you to see the red flags that we ourselves produce in our own relationships and how we continue to end up with the same thing over and over, or at least most of the time, and how to break the cycle that we have learned all too well.

There are also so many more wishes that will go unmentioned.

As I mentioned earlier, I hope that as I grow and heal from my trials and tribulations, you will also do the same in your own way. With that said.......

Jeff

Approximately two months ago I met a guy around my age through an ad that I placed on Craigslist. While I had several responses, Jeff was the only one that really panned out or maybe he was the only one I wanted to work out.

We talked for about a week or so before we decided to meet. I was going to try to meet him without the children, but for the lack of a babysitter and being able to find one, I opted to meet him at the park where the children could play and we could talk. We decided to meet at MacArthur Park. I first went and dropped off Courtney at Kenya's birthday party, which was at Michelle's apartment and then headed over the MacArthur.

I arrived at the park first and then Jeff did. He walked up and I was playing with Mallorie on the play scape. I can honestly say that I am not attracted to Hispanic men, but he was cute with his jeans, T-shirt, and baseball cap. We let the boys play and we walked over to the swings, so I could push Mallorie on the swings. We talked and then walked some more. We ended up sitting down at a picnic table where we could see the boys. There was a birthday party going on and somehow my boys ended up getting something to eat and drink, but that is so another story.

We sat and talked. He proceeded to want to arm wrestle and I could not believe how strong he was. We would look for the boys, which for Austin was quite easy because he has light up shows, so when he walked you could see the red light going off.

We stayed there until the park closed, which was 11 o'clock and then we went our separate ways home.

We proceeded to talk and the next day we went to Peter Piper Pizza. We were going to go to the one on the South Side, but I did not feel comfortable and ended up at the one at the Forum. The children had a blast and I enjoyed myself. It was nice to have someone to talk to without having to worry about all the relationship B.S. It was nice to be there on a platonic presence. We left from there, brought him back to his friend's house where his car was parked, I changed Mallorie and then he gave me a hug, and we left. He called to make sure that I was able to get back on the interstate, in the right direction, without any problems and we said we would talk to each other later.

Fast forward a little bit...we would text here and there. He would call and sometimes I was able to get his phone calls and other times I missed them. There were times he was text me and times that he would not. I can honestly say that after Steven...this was a nice change and I was enjoying it.

One night while we were on the phone, he told me he wanted to "make love to me." I was like, "huh?" See this was the first time I had ever heard Jeff speak to me in that manner or that subject. He told me he wanted to give me what I wanted and I asked him how did he know what I wanted because I had never told him. He proceeded to tell me and he was pretty close, if not a direct hit, on things. I told him that I did not want to ruin things between us and I was not sure if he was ready for what that meant to me, if it happened. See Jeff has been known to go to bars/clubs, pick up girls, get a room, and well...you know the rest. I am so not that type of WOMAN.

So over the next couple of weeks, I have pretty much remained the same, not calling, not texting, just responding when he initiates the communication and seeing where things go. Well needless to say..the way the first conversation went is how the remaining have gone. He has told me that he "thinks" that I am strong enough to keep him from going back to the "ole" Jeff. I told him that he could not put that responsibility on someone because ultimately it is his responsibility to keep himself out of what he wants to keep himself out of.

So fast forward....two or three conversations ago..which was about two weeks ago or so..I asked him if that was all the he wanted me for? He told me that now he is going to back down and where he was getting comfortable with me..now the window is back up and he is across the street. I literally felt the breath come out of me...what did I just do? Why did I do it? What was I thinking? Well...exactly what I said, but I did not think he would have responded that way.

See up until this point, I was sure that I was the challenge that almost every man sees me as. The one that they need to conquer, but the way he reacted had me wondering, but then in the next thought I had to remember myself that Jeff is a bullshitter, majorly and he can play the game very, very, very good. He has done things just to prove he can and have walked away not caring at all.

One thing he told me was that he is afraid that he will crush me and that also means my children. He also said that I have a big heart, I am very real, and that is why it would bother him if he did, but as he was saying this I was saying to myself...you would still walk away and hurt me because you rather hurt than be hurt. I am not sure if I could handle that...what I feel, the attraction is right there as it was with Tommy and sometimes that still even hurts (so another post or more). So at this point...I am like I rather like from afar then up close...because getting hurt seems to be something that I experience a lot.

So here I am...keeping him at bay. Do not get me wrong sometimes the attention is very flattering and I end up with a pep in my step, but then when I think about my morals, values, my baptismal covenant and so much more....that pep is because I have not succumb to the adversary's temptations.

I spoke with Jeff the other day and told him that I want to feel and experience us physically, but just as I want to then I do not want to. I told him that the eternal ramifications that I will suffer are not worth losing. I told him that I still want to talk to him and be with him, but who I am and what I stand for is worth a lot to me. Now how he took it and takes it remains to be seen. He says that it (the physical) will happen and just as sure as he is when he says that is as sure as I am that it will not.

So, this is my dilemma....do I just completely cut contact or do I keep contact and feel like I am constantly struggling with this. It is not that he is not respectful because he so is. He has always been a gentleman, but I am not sure if I want to have him out of my life. He is a major smart ass and can even hang with him in that department, and for those of you who know me...know that, that alone is a major thing. Losing him in the midst of smart assness does not happen...he keeps up and even takes lead sometimes. He is also true, great with the children, and has a stable life around him with family and friends.

Part of me just wants to get to know him more and get to know him better. Spend time with him doing things and building the friendship that we have started. I do not want to complicate things by putting the physical or allowing the physical to come into play because I just want "him" right now...not the "parts of him."

Also, I need to "fix" me before I can give me to anyone. I have to give a fixed me to myself first and then to those in my life, and lastly to those who will come in and probably out of my life. I cannot expect someone to "fix" what is wrong and make it go all away because when they go away...I am still left with me...the raw and open me...and I do not know about anyone else...but I like to feel whole and not like I am picking up the pieces again!!!! The pieces that someone else has created because I ALLOWED them to put me into pieces hoping that they would care enough about me, as I do....to Handle me with care!!

So I guess for now I am going to continue as is...being strong and if things work out between us great and if not...at least I had a fun time being around someone, being myself, being himself, being who we are together...and come out stronger than how I went into this friendship. I am going to continue being the mommy I am, the friend I am, and most of all continue being.......

Little snipets

If you see little one liners or "snipets", it just means that I will elaborate on the subject more when I can. These little one liners are coming from me being mobile and I cannot really blog, per se, but do not want to forget the moment.

Enrichment tonight! Theme was emergency preparedness.

It all started with me coming home & checking my e-mail. I was
scanning the subject lines and that is when I saw the e-mail from
Sister S. I was so glad that she sent out that friendly remiinder
(note to self send thank you card) about enrichment tonight. So I
called Sister R & asked her if she was going & if I could go with her.
She had